We asked for ideas to create a new Cubs skipper. Here’s the best, from John Fisher via e-mail:
Hair of Don King: Watching the Cubs play everyday, his hair will end up this way anyway.
Brains of Albert Einstein: Analyzing the space-time continuum is much simpler than figuring out how to make a winning nucleus with the sorry atoms they have for players.
Eyes of Ray Charles: The games are just too ugly to watch.
Cheeks and nose of W.C. Fields: Heavy drinking is a requirement for survival.
Moustache of Rollie Fingers. The guy needs to have a little baseball in him.
Mouth of Johnnie Cochran. If he can make 12 rational people think that O.J. didn’t do it, how hard can it be to convince nine Cub players they can actually win?
Ears of Pete Townshend: Deafness will help handle the loud latin music in the lockerroom and the painful cries of the players, fans and media.
