We always think of commitment phobia as a male-only disease, like male-patterned baldness, jock itch or prostate trouble. But, many women suffer from it too.
Joleen: “After walking out of a bad marriage with three children [ages 2, 3 and 5] to raise, I convinced myself that I would dedicate myself to my children. My children are now 17, 18 and 20 and I just realized that I wasn’t avoiding the dating scene because I was so dedicated to them. The real reason I wasn’t dating was because I was afraid. I now limit my interactions to men who are not readily available — either a long-distance relationship, or one that involves a man busy with his career.
Men who want total commitment are invasive of my personal time. The idea of having to account to anyone where I have been or how I have spent my paycheck is overwhelming. I am now seeing a man who lives 1,800 miles away and I am wise enough to know that the distance between us increases my level of comfort. Fact is, I am not certain I want to overcome my fear. I am comfortable at the moment with the way things are.”
Ann: “Having been a matchmaker for nearly 20 years, I have learned that men are far more likely to press for commitment quickly, while women take it more slowly and have the veto power. This makes sense because women have more to lose if a marriage doesn’t work out. Studies have shown that married men are happier than unmarried men and that they live longer.”
Kelly: “As a twentysomething single woman who doesn’t want kids, I thought it would be easy to meet a man who shared this decision. Unfortunately, that isn’t so. The last four men I have dated not only wanted kids, but looked forward to being a father with eager anticipation. So much for my assumption.”
Jill: I am 26, heterosexual and, seriously, could care less about marriage. Maybe when I was a little girl, I had names picked out for my future children and dreamed of a man with a nice career, a house and two-car garage. But at the time, I was 10 years old. I no longer have that fairy tale and realize if I want a plentiful life, it was not going to come from a man.
My happiness comes from building a successful career, a strong bond with my family and a network of friends. How did I learn this? I dated a jerk for a year. He said he didn’t see himself in a committed relationship ever. Eight months after dating me, he got engaged. Men will make a commitment when they’re good and ready. But by then, women will have rid themselves of the Prince Charming fantasy.”
Susan: “Before I was married, I had two serious relationships. In each relationship, it was the man who wanted a commitment. The first serious relationship occurred when I was 17. This guy was the one who was planning on moving in together, how many kids we were going to have, and when we were going to get married — all before I even graduated from high school.
The second man was divorced with two children. I was 22. He started talking about marriage and having kids a few months after we started dating.
I met my husband when I was 29. I knew from the moment I met him that I was going to marry him but I never said anything to him. I met him in September and by January he was putting together a wedding folder. We’ve been happily married for six years and are expecting our first child in November.”
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E-mail your relationship problems and tales to Cheryllavin@aol.com.
