After a week of injuries, I am writing this to you from a bed as I sprained all four of my knees on my choices last week. Actually, that’s not true. I took a colossal hit from a Newfoundland who apparently can’t count to five Mississippis before rushing the QB, as we clearly agreed to before kickoff.
But rehab starts next week and thanks to the miracle of modern-day medicine (read “using jacuzzi jets in the tub when The Man isn’t home”), I should be ready for the playoffs.
For those of you who don’t believe you can teach an old dog new tricks (or a new dog old tricks), just look at Denver’s Steve Beuerlein, who has played 16 seasons with six NFL teams. As the former senior class president of Servite High School in Anaheim, Calif., he is putting on the class’ 20th reunion next August.
In Pittsburgh, QB Tommy Maddox got his senses back, but that will last only until he sees backup QB Kordell Stewart face third and long. And in Philly, where people are still in awe of QB Donovan McNabb playing on a broken ankle, they get the Detmer that didn’t win the Heisman Trophy. Koy, a six-year veteran who has started six games, is best known for that stupid move where he’s riding a pony and slapping it on both sides with the reins.
We can’t wait. Or maybe we can.
WHIZZER REVIEW
OK, LET’S REVIEW: The good news is the Jets continue to be my favorite team of all time. The sad part is none of you schmoes warned me off Packers at Minnesota. May the fleas of a thousand poodles nest in your armpits.
GOOD DOG, YES YOU ARE (win): Bears, Browns, Falcons, Colts, Bills, Buccaneers, NY Jets.
NO, WHIZZER! (loss): 49ers, Ravens, NY Giants, Steelers, Seahawks, Jaguars, Patriots, Packers, Cardinals
OVERALL: 23-32-3
LIQUID LOCK
Buffalo (5-5) at N.Y. Jets (5-5)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Bills lead 46-37
Watch your step: The Bills average more than 400 yards against the Jets in their last three meetings.
Keep scratching: This is the week the Jets don’t come through for me. I am sure of it. I know it, I know it, I just know it.
Glantz & Culver say: Jets by 3
Over/Under: 46
The final shake: Do you even need to ask? J-E-T-S!
CURB THAT ANIMAL
If you pick this game, clean up your own mess.
Green Bay (8-2) at Tampa Bay (8-2)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Packers lead 28-17-1
Watch your step: Brett Favre needs to rebound from last week’s madness. Bucs need to stay atop the amazing NFC South.
Keep scratching: This game should be on ESPN Classic before it’s even played. How weird would that be?
Glantz & Culver say: Bucs by 3
Over/Under: 39
The final shake: Packers.
Cleveland (5-5) at New Orleans (7-3)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Browns lead 10-3
Watch your step: We like the Browns down the stretch with Butch Davis (below) pulling it all together. But the Saints have 23 TDs on 34 trips inside the red zone.
Keep scratching: We saw a movie with Charlton Heston as a Saints QB. Frankly, he was a better Moses.
Glantz & Culver say: Saints by 6
Over/Under: 47
The final shake: Saints. We command it.
San Diego (7-3) at Miami (6-4)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Chargers lead 10-8
Watch your step: NFL’s rushing leader (San Diego’s LaDainian Tomlinson: 1,053 yards) pounds it out against the No. 4 rusher (Miami’s Ricky Williams: 913 yards).
Keep scratching: Last week, Miami WR James McKnight earned a game ball for four catches. Funny, game balls used to mean something.
Glantz & Culver say: Miami by 3
Over/Under: 36
The final shake: Dolphins. And we raise a drinking bowl to Kellen Winslow.
Minnesota (3-7) at New England (5-5)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Series tied 4-4
Watch your step: It’s odd they’ve only played eight times. The Vikings looked like world-beaters last week, but this week it’s the Patriots, not the Packers. Easy mistake.
Keep scratching: QB Tom Brady is tied for the NFL lead in TD passes (21) with New Orleans’ Aaron Brooks. Is anyone else stunned by this? Mom, put your paw down.
Glantz & Culver say: Patriots by 7
Over/Under: 46
The final shake: Vikings. And won’t that leave a bad taste in your mouths.
Detroit (3-7) at BEARS (2-8)
Time & TV: Noon, Fox (Pat Summerall, Brian Baldinger)
Head to head: Bears lead 81-59-5
Watch your step: If the Lions win, they sweep the series for the first time since 1997, and it’s likely they will as long as they keep giving QB Joey Harrington (left) time. The offensive line has allowed just 14 sacks after an NFL-high 66 in 2001.
Keep scratching: Bears fans, remember when all you had to worry about was despising Green Bay and Minnesota? Those were good days, but now it’s time to get back to work.
Glantz & Culver say: Bears by 5
Over/Under: 38
The final shake: Lions take this Thrilla’ in Vanilla.
Atlanta (6-3-1) at Carolina (3-7)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Falcons lead 9-5
Watch your step: It’s hard to pick against QB Michael Vick (sequence at right).
Keep scratching: The Carolina Panthers will honor the Charlotte Police department at halftime.
Glantz & Culver say: Falcons by 3
Over/Under: 37
The final shake: Falcons. I said it was hard to pick against Vick.
Jacksonville (5-5) at Dallas (3-7)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Series tied 1-1
Watch your step: The Jaguars are plus eight in turnovers; Dallas is minus four. Turnovers sting like a paper cut across the nostrils.
Keep scratching: Commenting on the playoff races heating up, Jags head coach Tom Coughlin said, “Now the season begins.” Sad, isn’t it?
Glantz & Culver say: Jaguars by 2
Over/Under: 35
The final shake: Jaguars. But all things considered, we couldn’t care less.
Cincinnati (1-9) at Pittsburgh (5-4-1)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Steelers lead 37-27
Watch your step: Will the Steelers miss Tommy Maddox? Will the Bengals show signs of life? Will I please stop asking questions like a soap opera announcer?
Keep scratching: Bengals coach Dick LeBeau was the Steelers’ defensive coordinator. He misses them. You can tell.
Glantz & Culver say: Steelers by 11
Over/Under: 43
The final shake: 11 points? Bengals. If it was 10 points, Steelers. But it’s not.
Tennessee (6-4) at Baltimore (4-6)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Series tied 6-6
Watch your step: Six of the past nine meetings have been decided by eight points or fewer, with the Ravens winning the last four.
Keep scratching: Ravens QB Jeff Blake and Titans backup QB Neil O’Donnell played in Cincy together and thank God they got out.
Glantz & Culver say: Titans by 1
Over/Under: 37
The final shake: Titans in a tight one. Get it?
Kansas City (5-5) at Seattle (3-7)
Time: 3:05 p.m.
Head to head: Chiefs lead 30-17
Watch your step: With RB Priest Holmes and QB Trent Green, the Chiefs are dangerous. And Seattle is, ah, not so dangerous.
Keep scratching: Once in a galaxy far, far away, the Chiefs’ Derrick Brooks sacked Seattle’s Dave Krieg seven times in a game. The next day, they moved in together.
Glantz & Culver say: Chiefs by 3
Over/Under: 43
The final shake: The team with the coyote mascot. Stumped? It’s the Chiefs.
Oakland (6-4) at Arizona (4-6)
Time: 3:05 p.m.
Head to head: Raiders lead 3-2
Watch your step: The Raiders’ roller coaster roars along as the team won four, lost four, then won the next two.
Keep scratching: The Cardinals have history and a great color scheme. The fact they stink bugs us more than we’ll admit.
Glantz & Culver say: Raiders by 8
Over/Under: 43
The final shake: Raiders, mainly because the silver pants look cool in the desert sun.
St. Louis (5-5) at Washington (4-6)
Time: 3:15 p.m.
Head to head: Redskins lead 18-6-1
Watch your step: QB Danny Wuerffel is expected to start after Steve Spurrier threw a dart at the wall and missed Troy Aikman’s mug. Again.
Keep scratching: Don’t you hate
it when the Over/Under is set at “Off” because it’s not clear whether injured RB Marshall Faulk will be playing or not? I hate that.
Glantz & Culver say: Rams by 4
Over/Under: Off. Oh now come on people!
The final shake: The Rams for this game and for every game they’ll ever play.
N.Y. Giants (6-4) at Houston (2-8)
Time: 3:15 p.m.
Head to head: Never played each other.
Watch your step: The Texans are 1-0 in inter-conference home games. Think about. 1-0. That’s unstoppable.
Keep scratching: N.Y. CB Jason Sehorn is upset he isn’t starting. Jason Sehorn is married to actress Angie Harmon. Jason Sehorn needs to look at the big picture.
Glantz & Culver say: Giants by 5
Over/Under: 34
The final shake: Texans. Not to win. To stay close. That’s crucial.
Indianapolis (6-4) at Denver (7-3)
Time & TV: 7:30 p.m., ESPN
Head to head: Broncos lead 9-3
Watch your step: The Colts are 31-15 with RB Edgerrin James and 4-8 without him, so let’s make sure he makes the flight, OK?
Keep scratching: Bronco’s QB Brian Griese is out with a knee injury, and this time he cannot blame the dog.
Glantz & Culver say: Broncos by 6
Over/Under: 44
The final shake: Broncos. If Denver had a dome, we’d say “Colts.” But they don’t, so we won’t.
MONDAY NIGHT
Philadelphia (7-3) at San Francisco (7-3)
Time & TV: 8 p.m., ABC
Head to head: 49ers lead 15-6-1
Watch your step: The 49ers have turned the ball over only nine times this season and are 4-1 in the last five against the NFC East. Solid. The Eagles don’t have QB Donovan McNabb (left). Not so solid.
Keep scratching: Yes, it is a federal offense to pick an NFL team quarterbacked by a guy named “Koy.”
Glantz & Culver say:
49ers by 7
Over/Under: 37
The final shake: 49ers. And try the sourdough.
