With these picks for the NFL’s last regular season games, I am tucking in a few predictions for 2003 too. For effect, please hum Frank Sinatra’s “I Did It My Way” while reading. If you’re on a train or a bus, get a couple of people to hum with you. Bonus points if you’re wearing a tux and loosen the tie. Ready? Hit it.
The next original ESPN movie: They’ve done Bobby Knight and Bear Bryant. Now it’s time for a real sports legend: Mike Ditka, as played by William Devane, who should have won an Oscar for his work in “The Bad News Bears: Breaking Training.” Damn the Academy for not embracing sequels.
The Bears’ 2003 draft picks: A big-name college player arrives in Chicago. He talks to reporters. Onlookers marvel at his quickness. The draft pick is converted to tight end and vanishes from the face of the Earth.
2003 outlook for Sox & Cubs: Don’t know, don’t care.
We talk, you listen: Trust me, the high-tech dog collar called “Bowlingual” that translates a dog’s bark into human words will dominate. This gadget will let all dogs communicate with humans and let us openly mock you for wearing pants.
Two-way player: With his NFL comeback attempt thwarted, Deion Sanders joins the cast of “Becker” so he can be on two shows that make America cringe.
Whizzer gets adopted: My pick is Jennifer Garner will step up to the plate here. If her agent is reading, no, I don’t bite.
Moving on. The NFL says 12 of this weekend’s 16 games have playoff implications. If you care about the other four, you have serious dork implications. Dorks unite! Here’s the skinny on all:
Tampa Bay (11-4) at BEARS (4-11)
Time & TV: 7:30 p.m, ESPN
Head to head: Bears lead 33-15
Watch your step: The Bucs have never won a game when the temp at kickoff was below 40 degrees, and it will be colder than a witch’s nose in Champaign. But good news for the Bucs’ No. 1 defense: They’ll see lots of former Saskatchewan Roughriders QB Henry Burris.
Keep scratching: The Bucs QB situation is unclear since Brad Johnson is hurt and Shaun King and Rob Johnson struggle. But does it really matter? No. And I’ll take whatever point spread comes along.
Glantz & Culver say: OFF (QBs are questionable)
Over/Under: OFF
The final shake: Bucs in 40 or below.
LIQUID LOCK
Carolina (6-9) at
New Orleans (9-6)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Saints lead 9-6
Watch your step: Saints have rallied to dump Carolina before but then they’ve lost to the Lions and Bengals this season, too.
Keep scratching: Panthers looked like world-beaters last week against the Bears. In the words of the late, great Doug Henning, that was a world of illusion.
Glantz & Culver say: Saints by 7
Over/Under: 44
The final shake: Saints play for pride. Mine, not theirs.
CURB THAT ANIMAL
If you pick this game, clean up your own mess.
Atlanta (9-5-1) at Cleveland (8-7)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Browns lead 8-2
Watch your step: Browns’ D has allowed just 18 TDs in 50 red zone invasions. Can they contain QB Michael Vick? Don’t answer that out loud. Keep humming.
Keep scratching: Falcons get to the playoffs with a win or a tie. It’s casual, so forget the tie.
Glantz & Culver say: Falcons by 2
Over/Under: 40
The final shake: Falcons, if you must.
SATURDAY’S GAMES
Philadelphia (12-3) at N.Y. Giants (9-6)
Time & TV: 12:30 p.m., WFLD-Ch. 32
Head to head: Giants lead 72-61-2
Watch your step: Eagles play for home-field advantage. Giants play for a playoff spot. Who’s hungrier?
Keep scratching: Unidentified flying sources tell me A.J. Feeley (4-0 as a starter) is really Ron Jaworski in a girdle.
Glantz & Culver say: Eagles by 2
Over/Under: 37
The final shake: Giants. Forgive me, I know not what I pick.
Kansas City (8-7) at Oakland (10-5)
Time & TV: 4 p.m., WBBM Ch. 2
Head to head: Series tied 41-41-2.
Watch your step: The Raiders seem to have found their offensive rhythm again and they play for home-field advantage too.
Keep scratching: Chiefs play for a slim chance at playoffs, and Slim just left town kicking and screaming while being dragged behind a galloping horse.
Glantz & Culver say: Raiders by 7
Over/Under: 48
The final shake: Raiders. Bonus pick: Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil cries after the game.
SUNDAY’SGAMES
Minnesota (5-10) at
Detroit (3-12)
Time: Noon, WFLD-Ch. 32
Head to head: Vikings lead 51-29-2
Watch your step: Meaningless games are tough to read. It comes down to who has less apathy.
Keep scratching: Vikings WR Randy Moss has 100 catches, 1,238 yards, and seven TDs on a 5-10 team. Explain, please.
Glantz & Culver say: Vikings by 3
Over/Under: 47
The final shake: Vikings, if you care.
And you may not.
Dallas (5-10) at Washington (6-9)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Cowboys lead 50-31-2
Watch your step: NFL historians are going to record this game, take the tapes back to archives, and burn them. Cowboys have beaten the Redskins 10 in a row.
Keep scratching: Look for Cowboys owner Jerry Jones walking the sidelines with a big guy who denies he is Bill Parcells.
Glantz & Culver say: Redskins by 6
Over/Under: 36
The final shake: Redskins. I like the action.
Cincinnati (2-13) at Buffalo (7-8)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Series tied 9-9.
Watch your step: The Bills’ No. 3 AFC pass offense faces the AFC’s fifth-ranked defense in . . . Is anyone reading this?
Keep scratching: On the Bengals’ Web site, a poll shows fans say “Draft Kansas State’s cornerback Terence Newman.” You’re not helping, folks.
Glantz & Culver say: Bills by 7
Over/Under: 44
The final shake: Bills are due. Heh-heh.
Miami (9-6) at New England (8-7)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Dolphins lead 44-27
Watch your step: If the Patriots lose, your darling Super Bowl champs watch the playoffs in front of the big-screen TV. If the Dolphins win, they clinch the AFC East.
Keep scratching: Wanny, how I love ya, how I love ya, my dear old Wanny.
Glantz & Culver say: Pick ’em.
Over/Under: 38
The final shake: I love to pick ’em. Dolphins.
Baltimore (7-8) at Pittsburgh (9-5-1)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Steelers lead 9-4
Watch your step: Steelers coach Bill Cowher is 10-4 against the Ravens and has his team playing like a bunch of crazed . . . Steelers.
Keep scratching: Pittsburgh whupped the Bucs last week, just whupped them.
Glantz & Culver say: Steelers by 7
Over/Under: 38
The final shake: Steelers. They’re hungry. So am I.
Tennessee (10-5) at Houston (4-11)
Time: Noon
Head to head: Titans lead this storied
rivalry of Houston-bred franchises, 1-0
Watch your step: Titans get at least a No. 2 seed with a win. Texans planning the “We Did Real Good” post-season banquet.
Keep scratching: If Oakland loses, Titans clinch home-field throughout the playoffs. So watch for “Raiders suck” undershirts.
Glantz & Culver say: Titans by 8
Over/Under: 36
The final shake: Titans by infinity.
Jacksonville (6-9) at Indianapolis (9-6)
Time: 3:05 p.m.
Head to head: Colts lead 3-0
Watch your step: Yes, the Colts’ vaunted air attack is cute and all. But the Colts are 9-0 when they outrush teams, 0-6 otherwise.
Keep scratching: Jacksonville coach Tom Coughlin said the team is in a three-year plan to get competitive again. The coach is always the last to know.
Glantz & Culver say: OFF (Jaguars QB is questionable)
Over/Under: OFF
The final shake: Colts. Close. But Colts.
Arizona (5-10) at Denver (8-7)
Time: 3:15 p.m.
Head to head: Broncos lead 5-0-1
Watch your step: Denver starts QB Steve Beuerlein (0-2 as a starter) over Brian Griese because it gives the Broncos a chance to win. That is illogical, Captain.
Keep scratching: If I had told you this summer the Cardinals would end up 5-11, you would have replied, “Sounds about right.”
Glantz & Culver say: Broncos by 11
Over/Under: 42
The final shake: Broncos by 12.
Seattle (6-9) at San Diego (8-7)
Time: 3:15 p.m.
Head to head: Seahawks lead 24-22
Watch your step: Resurgent Seahawks held Marshall Faulk to 13 yards on nine carries last week, so look for slumping San Diego to try and air it out.
Keep scratching: What happened to the 6-1 Chargers? My guess: Aliens invaded their bodies and, as we all know, aliens don’t play well after October.
Glantz & Culver say: Chargers by 3
Over/Under: 43
The final shake: All signs point to the Seahawks. Of course, I take the Chargers.
Green Bay (12-3) at N.Y. Jets (8-7)
Time: 3:15 p.m.
Head to head: Packers lead 6-2
Watch your step: Believe it or not, Jets clinch the division with a win and a Miami loss. And don’t think the Meadowlands won’t be rocking like a Bon Jovi concert, only with better lyrics.
Keep scratching: If the Eagles lose on this same field Saturday, the Packers can get home-field advantage. Brett Favre should score Giants tickets from Michael Strahan. He owes him.
Glantz & Culver say:
Jets by 1
Over/Under: 43
The final shake:
J-E-T-S!
MONDAY NIGHT
San Francisco (10-5) at St. Louis (6-9)
Time & TV: 8:00 p.m., WLS-Ch. 7
Head to head: Rams lead 54-49-2
Watch your step: NFC West champ 49ers are the worst 10-5 team I’ve ever seen with their 1-5 record against teams with winning records.
Keep scratching: I guarantee the 49ers’ playoff opponent will have a winning record. There is a chance this Monday marquee matchup could feature Rams QB Scott Covington vs. 49ers QB Tim Rattay. Check, please.
Glantz & Culver say: OFF (QBs are questionable)
Over/Under: OFF
The final shake: 49ers get No. 11.
Exactly. One louder.
