This week, the Grammy nominations included a paltry 104 categories, including Rap/Sung Collaboration; Southern, Country or Bluegrass Gospel Album; Native American Music Album; Song Written for a Motion Picture, Television or Other Visual Media; Instrumental Arrangement Accompanying Vocalist(s); and Engineered Album, Non-Classical.
Well, the Tempo Subcommittee on Magnanimity protests this narrow-mindedness and urges the inclusion the following categories:
Creative Use of Language: nominees would include ‘()’ by Sigur Ros, “Sk8ter Boi” by Avril Lavigne.
Most Indecipher-able Lyrics: “Work It” by Missy Elliot; pretty much anything sung by Vines vocalist Craig Nicholls.
Engineering, Ode: “Love of My Life” by Erykah Badu.
Former Member of a Boy Band Who Emulates Michael Jackson’s Sound: Justin Timberlake, Nick Carter.
Vocal Duet by a Male and Pitch-Correcting Computer Software: Adam Durvitz of Counting Crows.
Band Uniform: The Hives, The White Stripes.
Clothing-Optional Video: “The Middle,” Jimmy Eat World; “Hot in Herre,” Nelly.
Best Post-9/11 Drivel Disguised as a Patriotic Song: “Freedom,” Paul McCartney.
Tabloid Antics From Musicians Who Didn’t Release an Album Last Year: Michael Jackson, Liza Minnelli, Tommy Lee.
Tabloid Antics From Musicians Who Did Release an Album Last Year: Jennifer Lopez.
Career Transformation Achievement Award: Christina Aguilera, for going from nice to very naughty.
Drum Solo: Herlin Riley, Abe Laboriel Jr., Meg White, Ahmir Thompson, Jeff “Tain” Watts . . .
