Take it from a veteran: You do not sit down to watch the NCAA Final Four title game without a full cockpit check.
Pretzels and beverages? Check.
Homemade Bill Raftery T-shirt with the word “ONIONS!”? Check.
Fluffy bunny slippers? Uh, moving on.
Let’s get this Final Four started.
7:20 P.M.: C’mon, let’s tip it off already. Wait. 8:20? Damn, damn, damn.
8:03 P.M.: Greg Gumbel made the first mention of “southern hospitality.” When’s the first “Big Easy” reference?
8:11 P.M.: Using live Web cams in downtown Lawrence and Syracuse, our “Riot Watch 2003” reveals a guy in the Syracuse snow. Doesn’t look like trouble, but the situation will be monitored all night.
8:19 P.M.: Most experts take Kansas, even with Kirk Hinrich’s haircut.
8:23 P.M.: ‘Cuse 2-0. This game is so over.
8:40 P.M.: Trailing 28-16, the Jayhawks look tight. And the Denver Nuggets GM just wondered aloud if he can take Carmelo Anthony, Gerry McNamara and Kueth Duany with the same draft pick.
8:42 P.M.: Replay showed McNamara hurt his wrist on press row. Thankfully, a cup of water was saved. Repeat, the water cup was saved.
8:44 P.M.: Syracuse is up 32-17. Time out! Kansas is getting royally Marquetted.
8:50 P.M.: Nick Collison is that guy short guys want on their rec league team. Lob it inside and watch the carnage.
9:00 P.M.: Now it’s 47-29. Who do the Orangemen play after this for the title?
9:01 P.M.: With Syracuse owning a monster lead, Jim Nantz just said “Big Easy.” When’s the first camera shot of a player’s parents?
9:09 P.M.: Anthony fouls Keith Langford hard. Reading their lips, they’re apparently inquiring about each other’s mothers. How thoughtful.
9:13 P.M.: If you’re on the Syracuse bench, are you humming “One Shining Moment” with 53-42 halftime lead? Liar.
9:20 P.M.: McNamara hit 6-of-8
3-pointers. Bet he’s good at Nerf basketball.
9:34 P.M.: Jump balls should be determined by thumb wrestling.
9:40 P.M.: Camera finds Hinrich’s parents. OK, no more side bets. We’re out $50, and we’re the only ones playing.
9:41 P.M.: Kansas cuts the deficit to
3 points. Just called a Kansas fan to ask if he saw tonight’s episode of “Crossing Jordan.” The line went dead. Hope he’s OK.
10:04 P.M.: Looks like Syracuse is using tanks to move on Baghdad before … OK, who changed it over to CNN?
10:27 P.M.: Syracuse leads, 80-78. Hold on to your collar, Toto. These guys get full scholarships for missing free throws?
10:28 P.M.: Realizing commercials pay the player salaries (wink, wink), commercials … must … be… eliminated.
10:31 P.M.: Rock, chalk, up … and long.
10:35 P.M.: Kansas’ Web cam shows some pretty sad fans. Syracuse’s Web cam shows people poised to act like, well, Michigan State fans.
