It’s the dream of every red-blooded, fed-up, put-down American worker who stumbles off to work every freakin’ day for a lousy paycheck and a load of aggravation: Getting paid for staying home. In pro football circles, they call it “deactivation.”
The news that Keyshawn Johnson, disgruntled wide receiver for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, was asked to skedaddle for the rest of the season — while still drawing paychecks from his six-year, $56 million contract — prompted reflection on similar cases, on glorious moments when the boss said, “Um, let’s just forget the whole thing, OK? Don’t come back — but be sure payroll has your mailing address.” So, here is the Deactivation Hall of Fame:
– Mariah Carey. In 2002, EMI paid the songbird $28 million to not record her next album. Instead of seeing Carey in stores, record execs preferred to see her in their rear-view mirrors.
– Marge Schott. Embarrassed by her racist and anti-Semitic remarks, her fellow baseball moguls told the owner of the Cincinnati Reds — and her little dog too — to stay away from the ballpark, even though she still owned the team.
– Steven Bochco. For every idea for a TV series that ABC didn’t bite on, this canny producer pocketed $1.5 million, according to the terms of a 10-year, $50 million contract in 1987.
– College recruits. The pink slip preceded the employee handbook for the savvy college grads hired by Intel Corp., Cisco Systems and their high-tech brethren. As the dot-com debacle worsened in 2001, the companies paid unsigning bonuses — that is, they gave the grads dough not to show up for their jobs.
– Farmers who get government subsidies. Keep your soybeans. Here’s your check.
– Blake Edwards. In 1980, the director of the “Pink Panther” series was paid $3 million for a movie that never got made: a sixth “Panther” installment. A studio bought the rights to the Panther name, which Edwards owned, but star Peter Sellers died before filming began.
– Mum musicians. They’re called walkers, and get this: They’re paid not to play. These lucky ducks are hired to meet union requirements for the minimum number of musicians at an event.
