Week In Review
OK, LET’S REVIEW: Need a little miracle to crack .500 this season. Actually, probably two little miracles. Hold the phone. Just realized good things come in threes, right? OK, make it three miracles. With fries. To go.
Last week: 7-8-1
Season to date: 102-113-13
GOOD DOG, YES YOU ARE! (win):
Titans, Chiefs, Bucs, Patriots,
Packers, Saints, Eagles.
NO, WHIZZER! (loss): Vikings,
Falcons, Rams, Steelers, Redskins, Broncos, Ravens, Panthers.
OH WELL (tie): Bengals.
MATCHUP
Bears
Washington (5-9)
at Chicago (6-8)
Noon, WFLD-Ch. 32
Head-to-head:
Bears lead 19-15-1
WATCH YOUR STEP
If the Bears dare to run
the ball, they face the 27th-ranked rushing
defense in the NFL.
Do it, dooooo it.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Dare we notice that the Bears have won five of the last eight games? Sure, the Lions and Chargers were in there but the Redskins
flat-out stink, too.
THE LINE
Bears
by 41/2
OVER/UNDER
35
FINAL SHAKE
Really?
The Bears
are favored? Dare me?
OK, Bears then.
MATCHUP
Liquid lock
New England (12-2)
at N.Y. Jets (6-8)
7:30 p.m. Saturday
ESPN
HEAD TO HEAD
Jets lead 47-38-1
WATCH YOUR STEP
The Jets play strong at the end of the season, but strong like stinky socks, not strong like the Incredible Hulk.
KEEP SCRATCHING
LB Tedy Bruschi said, “It’s the Jets and we’re the Patriots. Something’s going
to happen.” Think of that all by yourself, Tedy?
THE LINE
PATS BY 3
OVER/UNDER
35
FINAL SHAKE
Pats from now on, until they meet Philly in the Super Bowl.
MATCHUP
Curb that animal If you pick this game, clean up your own mess
Kansas City (12-2)
at Minnesota (8-6)
4 p.m. Saturday WBBM-Ch. 2
HEAD TO HEAD
Chiefs
lead 4-3 WATCH YOUR STEP
KEEP SCRATCHING
Vikings have to stay hungry for the playoffs and this
defense picks passes like I
pick my nose.
THE LINE
CHIEFS BY 3
OVER/UNDER
541/2
FINAL SHAKE
Vikings. Home in the dome? They rule like Rome.
MATCHUP
Saturday’s other game
Atlanta (3-11)
at Tampa Bay (7-7)
12:30 p.m.,
WFLD-Ch. 32
HEAD TO HEAD
Bucs
lead 12-8
WATCH YOUR STEP
Simeon Rice (15 sacks) and the rest of the Bucs’ defense isn’t mailing it in anymore.
KEEP SCRATCHING
I want to pick Michael Vick every week. I know you do, too. But don’t. Tampa has this room bugged. They will find you.
They will kill you.
THE LINE
BUCS BY 71/2
OVER/UNDER
38
FINAL SHAKE
Bucs. There’s always next year, Vicky.
MATCHUP
Sunday’s games
Miami (8-6)
at Buffalo (6-8)
Noon
Head-to-head:
Dolphins lead 47-27-1
HEAD TO HEAD
WATCH YOUR STEP
The home team has won 11 of the last 15 in this series. Earlier this year the Dolphins won by 10.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Drew Bledsoe needs
108 yards to have more passing yards against the Dolphins than any other QB. Won’t his folks be proud?
THE LINE
BILLS BY 11/2
OVER/UNDER
34
FINAL SHAKE
Bills. I know,
I know.
MATCHUP
N.Y. Giants (4-10)
at Dallas (9-5)
Noon
HEAD TO HEAD
Cowboys lead 49-31-2
WATCH YOUR STEP
The Giants fired Jim Fassel but he’ll coach this game and the next. Who’s keeping him from calling flea flickers on every play? Answer: No one.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Only Bill Parcells could squeeze 910 yards out of someone named
Troy Hambrick. Dallas has the ears pinned back.
The line: ‘Boys by 101/2
Over/Under: 351/2
THE LINE
OVER/UNDER
FINAL SHAKE
Cowboys pick over Giants’ dead carcasses.
MATCHUP
Detroit (4-10)
at Carolina (9-5)
Noon
HEAD TO HEAD
SERIES TIED 1-1
WATCH YOUR STEP
Lots of blue and silver in this game. What is this, a U.S. Navy ball? Panthers need this, Lions don’t.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Don’t see Detroit
(272 offensive yards a game) doing anything here besides avoiding eye contact with GM Matt Millen.
THE LINE
PANTHERS BY 10
OVER/UNDER
37
FINAL SHAKE
Panthers by 10? Is that all?
Panthers.
MATCHUP
Tennessee (10-4)
at Houston (5-9)
Noon
HEAD TO HEAD
Titans
lead 3-0
WATCH YOUR STEP
Titans are 9-2 against the AFC South, and that sounds like some sort of Civil War
re-enactment.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Did not know the
Texans have the 5th-toughest
schedule in the NFL. How sad. Let’s send them a fruitcake.
THE LINE
OFF THE BOARD
OVER/UNDER
OFF THE BOARD
FINAL SHAKE
Titans, although the QB plays on a gurney.
MATCHUP
Cincinnati (8-6) at St. Louis (11-3)
Noon
Head-to-head: Bengals lead 5-4
HEAD TO HEAD
WATCH YOUR STEP
Bengals are 2 games above .500 after 14 games for first time since 1988. Won’t that look great on a bargain rack T-shirt next spring?
KEEP SCRATCHING
Rams have 13 wins in a row at home. No way the Cats go in there and roll the Rams.THE LINE
THE LINE
RAMS BY 7
OVER/UNDER
53
FINAL SHAKE
Bengals
lose by 6.
MATCHUP
Baltimore (8-6)
at Cleveland (4-10)
Noon
Head-to-head:
Ravens lead 6-3
HEAD TO HEAD
WATCH YOUR STEP
Once again, old Browns meet the new Browns. Old Browns saw Jamal Lewis torch the new Browns for 295 yards before.
KEEP SCRATCHING
New Browns have never been swept by the Ravens under Butch Davis. Get ready ’cause here they come.
THE LINE
RAVENS BY 3
OVER/UNDER
361/2
FINAL SHAKE
Throwing a Raven at 2 a.m. Saturday. Meet at the warehouse. BYOB.
MATCHUP
New Orleans (7-7) at Jacksonville (4-10)
Noon
HEAD TO HEAD
Series tied 1-1
WATCH YOUR STEP
Hang on, I’m on the cell phone right now.
KEEP SCRATCHING
OK, I’m off. Jags can’t handle the Saints firepower, especially Aaron Brooks (21 TDs) and Deuce “King of the Straight-Arm” McAllister.
THE LINE
JAGUARS BY 11/2
OVER/UNDER
421/2
FINAL SHAKE
Saints.
Joe Horn,
do behave.
MATCHUP
San Diego (3-11)
at Pittsburgh (5-9)
3:05 p.m.
WBBM-Ch. 2
Head-to-head:
Steelers lead 17-5
HEAD TO HEAD
WATCH YOUR STEP
Why would you watch this game? I mean besides to see if Drew Brees (13 INTs) can stop throwing sweet spirals to the other team.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Four of Pittsburgh’s nine losses have been by 7
points or less. You know, just go tell it to the judge.
The line: Steelers by 6
Over/Under: 391/2
THE LINE
OVER/UNDER
431/2
FINAL SHAKE
Chargers. I told you. Steelers don’t win again.
MATCHUP
Arizona (3-11)
at Seattle (8-6)
3:15 p.m.
HEAD TO HEAD
Cardinals lead 6-3
WATCH YOUR STEP
It’s a little known fact that this game will involve the most bird-on-bird hits since–yes–Alfred
Hitchcock’s “The Birds.”
KEEP SCRATCHING
If Seattle wins, they’ll be 8-0 at home. Home is where the heart is, and apparently the offense and defense too.
THE LINE
HAWKS BY 131/2
OVER/UNDER
431/2
FINAL SHAKE
Seahawks
by about
90 points.
MATCHUP
San Francisco (6-8)
at Philadelphia (11-3)
3:15 p.m.
WBBM-Ch. 2
HEAD TO HEAD
49ers
lead 15-7-1
WATCH YOUR STEP
The road team has won four of the last five meetings, but don’t buy that crap.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Eagles are 27-5 in November and December since 2000. OK, look, you saw them in Miami Monday night. They’re just plain good.
THE LINE
EAGLES BY 71/2
OVER/UNDER
41
FINAL SHAKE
Eagles. I have a tendency to
repeat myself. Eagles. I have a tendency to
repeat myself.
MATCHUP
Denver (9-5)
at Indianapolis (11-3)
7:30 p.m., ESPN
HEAD TO HEAD
Broncos lead 9-4
WATCH YOUR STEP
Denver is the only team ranking in the league’s top 5 in offense (5) and defense (4). And yet that downtown pollution still sucks.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Peyton Manning’s brother
Eli didn’t win the Heisman. Now Peyton (99 yards
from 4,000) is out for blood.
The line: Off the board
Over/Under: Off the board
THE LINE
OVER/UNDER
FINAL SHAKE
Colts.
Off the record.
MATCHUP
Green Bay (8-6)
at Oakland (4-10)
8 p.m., WLS-Ch. 7
Head-to-head:
Raiders lead 5-3
HEAD TO HEAD
WATCH YOUR STEP
Packers score a TD every two out of three visits to the Red Zone.
So that’s how they win games.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Unlike the Giants’ Fassel, the Raiders’ Bill Callahan hasn’t been fired … yet. Although Oakland has 37 wins on Monday nights, but with good teams.
THE LINE
PACKERS BY 5
OVER/UNDER
441/2
FINAL SHAKE
Packers raid Oakland but stay in San Fran.
