I’d like to make an announcement.
Due to my pathetic picks, management has made it clear that they’re looking to go in another direction. So before they can fire me, I’d like to step down.
That’s right: Stick it to them before they stick it to you.
Sure, I’m tired. You are too. It shows. It’s been a long season, long as the day is . . . see? I’m so tired I screw up cliches.
The bosses will probably hire something cuter, more marketable, something to attract the kids with their crazy rock music and crazy long hair. Or is it short hair these days? Oh, who cares.
Maybe the Teletubbies are available, although I hear they’re hard to work with.
No, there’s no need for a washed-up, beaten-down old hound that can’t tell the difference between a red-hot Jon Kitna and an ice-cold Jon Kitna.
Before we get into this last week of regular season picks, I want to thank all two of you who took the time to write this year. I have never been so moved by death threats as I was by yours. You have a gift. Don’t waste it.
There’s still time to to get your last shots in. E-mail me at ritaredeye@tribune.com.
So long, farewell, goodbye.
Of course, if I misread the signs and management has no desire to fire me, then this little talk never happened and I’m good to go for the playoffs and next season too.
And here now, the picks.
Oh, and I wanna kiss you.
WEEK IN REVIEW
OK, LET’S REVIEW: It was a gutsy pick to take Seattle and give 131/2. Hell, I was 2-1 in games where I gave 10 points or more last week. So I don’t see .500 in the regular season. We all know it’s all about the playoffs.
Last week: 9-7
Season to date: 104-113-13
GOOD DOG, YES YOU ARE! (win): Vikings, Patriots, Cowboys, Titans, Colts, Ravens, Saints, Seahawks, Packers.
NO, WHIZZER! (loss): Bucs, Bills, Panthers, Bengals, Chargers, Eagles, Bears.
BEARS
MATCHUP
Chicago (7-8) at Kansas City (12-3)
Noon Sunday
WFLD-Ch. 32
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Bears lead 5-3
WATCH YOUR STEP
The once-unbeatable Chiefs are 3-3 over the last six, not exactly the stuff of legends.
KEEP SCRATCHING
The Bears might play hard because, well, the young pups don’t know any better. Do we tell them the Chiefs practiced full-contact this week? No.
THE LINE
Chiefs by 10
OVER/UNDER
45
FINAL SHAKE
Bears. Let’s all go down together.
LIQUID LOCK
MATCHUP
St. Louis (12-3) at Detroit (4-11)
Noon Sunday
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Rams lead 40-36-1
WATCH YOUR STEP
Don’t know if this affects your decision but the Lions plan to play Joey Harrington and Mike McMahon at QB. Yeah, I didn’t think so.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Rams don’t need a win here. That’s always dangerous. Then again, they face the Lions, who are never dangerous. Sweet little kitties.
THE LINE
Rams by 101/2
OVER/UNDER
451/2
FINAL SHAKE
Rams call Lions all sorts of names too.
CURB THAT ANIMAL: If you pick this game, clean up your own mess
MATCHUP
Oakland (4-11) at San Diego (3-12)
3:15 p.m. Sunday
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Raiders lead 54-31-2
WATCH YOUR STEP
Raiders have won 10 of past 12 in this series, although most of those games mattered more than this pathetic teddy bear picnic.
KEEP SCRATCHING
The Chargers said coach Marty Schottenheimer will be back next season, which explains the dark cloud and stormy seas off San Diego’s coast.
THE LINE
Off the board.
OVER/UNDER
Off the board.
FINAL SHAKE
Raiders, but they audition coaches at halftime.
SATURDAY’S GAMES
MATCHUP
Buffalo (6-9) at New England (13-2)
12:30 p.m.
WBBM-Ch. 2
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Pats lead 45-40-1
WATCH YOUR STEP
Patriots are the No. 1 team in The New York Times rankings even though none of them has ever completed the NYT crossword.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Hard to believe the Bills dusted these guys 31-0 earlier in the year. It’s also hard to believe in Santa.
THE LINE
Pats by 81/2
OVER/UNDER
331/2
FINAL SHAKE
Santa takes the Pats.
MATCHUP
Seattle (9-6) at San Francisco
(9-6)
4 p.m., WFLD-Ch. 32
HEAD-TO-HEAD
49ers lead 6-3
WATCH YOUR STEP
No Terrell Owens? Good, more Sharpies to pass out to Jeff Garcia (seven rushing TDs).
KEEP SCRATCHING
Seattle stinks on the road. They really stink on the road. They are 1-6 on the road. They stink on the road. They are stinky pants, they are.
THE LINE
Off the board.
OVER/UNDER
Off the board.
FINAL SHAKE
49ers. Bring deodorant because Seattle stinks.
MATCHUP
Philadelphia (11-4) at Washington (5-10)
7:30 p.m., ESPN
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Redskins lead 72-59-5
WATCH YOUR STEP
Redskins 23rd-ranked defense has come a long way since last year, when it was ranked No. 5.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Donovan McNabb gets 5 yards a carry. Why not just rush him every play? Or is that too obvious? It’s just sound math, people.
THE LINE
Eagles by 61/2
OVER/UNDER
40
FINAL SHAKE
Eagles invade, conquer, devour, fly home.
SUNDAY’S GAMES
MATCHUP
N.Y. Jets (6-9)
at Miami (9-6)
Noon, WBBM-Ch. 2
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Jets lead 38-36-1
WATCH YOUR STEP
Ricky Williams has 329 yards against the Jets in the last 3 games. Ricky,
I wanna kiss you.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Jets are 17-9
after Nov. 1 under Herman Edwards. Herm, I wanna kiss you.
THE LINE
‘Fins
by 4
OVER/UNDER
371/2
FINAL SHAKE
Hey Dolphins,
I wanna kiss you. Yeeaaaaah!
MATCHUP
Jacksonville (5-10)
at Atlanta (4-11)
Noon
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Head-to-head:
Jaguars
lead 2-0
WATCH YOUR STEP
Atlanta’s interim coach Wade Phillips was the Saints’ interim coach when Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio was a Saints linebacker. A meaningless fact for a meaningless game.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Michael Vick gets 6 yards a carry when he rushes so why not … oh. Did I say that already? I wanna kiss you.
THE LINE
Falcons by 3
OVER/UNDER
43
FINAL SHAKE
Falcons win,
all game film is destroyed.
MATCHUP
Indianapolis (11-4)
at Houston (5-10)
Noon
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Colts
lead 3-0
WATCH YOUR STEP
Colts clinch the AFC South title with win, so they’ll come out playing like gangbusters, so watch out you Crips and you Bloods.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Texans had the second toughest schedule in the NFL. They played with pride, if not a whole lot of points.
THE LINE
Colts
by 7
OVER/UNDER
441/2
FINAL SHAKE
Colts win big, film at 11.
MATCHUP
Tampa Bay (7-8) at Tennessee (11-4)
Noon
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Titans
lead 6-1
WATCH YOUR STEP
Bucs need to beat the Titans to avoid their first losing season since going 6-10 in 1996, a time when this nation was still innocent and pure.
KEEP SCRATCHING
The Titans have never lost to the Bucs at home.
That’s 5-0.
THE LINE
Titans by 7
OVER/UNDER
41
FINAL SHAKE
Titans take the edge off.
MATCHUP
Dallas (10-5) at New Orleans (7-8)
Noon
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Cowboys lead 14-5
WATCH YOUR STEP
When asked if he would rest players instead of playing them in this game, Bill Parcells eloquently said “No.” So step off.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Joe Horn is out with a shoulder injury. Maybe we should call him and offer our condolences, then mention to him that his 15 minutes are o-VAH!
THE LINE
‘Boys by 2
OVER/UNDER
39
FINAL SHAKE
Cowboys hog-tie the Saints.
Not really, figuratively.
MATCHUP
Cleveland (4-11) at Cincinnati (8-7)
Noon
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Browns
lead 31-29
WATCH YOUR STEP
These two rabid rivals are separated by just 221 air miles, which translates to about 221 road miles if you drive an off-road vehicle.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Robert Griffith and Quincy Morgan fought in the Browns clubhouse. Guys, save it for the game so we can see the catfight live.
THE LINE
Bengals by 8
OVER/UNDER
401/2
FINAL SHAKE
Bengals win Ohio, Dennis Kucinich concedes.
MATCHUP
Carolina (10-5) at N.Y. Giants (4-11)
3:05 p.m.
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Panthers lead 1-0
WATCH YOUR STEP
Why are the Panthers a sham? They have a minus-8 turnover ratio. Remember that come playoff time.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Soon-to-be ex-Giants coach Jim Fassel will call flea-flickers on every play. That’s my kind of coach.
THE LINE
Off the board.
OVER/UNDER
Off the board.
FINAL SHAKE
Panthers. They’re a friendly kind of tiger.
MATCHUP
Minnesota (9-6) at Arizona (3-12) 3:05 p.m.
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Series tied 8-8
WATCH YOUR STEP
QB Josh McCown has a passer rating over 90.0 in two of his last three games. Use that stat to revive him when he’s knocked out by the Vikes defense.
KEEP SCRATCHING
RB Moe Williams has career-high 733 rush yards. He’s my favorite Stooge.
THE LINE
Vikings by 71/2
OVER/UNDER
451/2
FINAL SHAKE
Vikings nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.
MATCHUP
Denver (10-5) at Green Bay (9-6)
3:15 p.m.
WBBM-Ch. 2
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Broncos lead 5-3-1
WATCH YOUR STEP
It doesn’t seem to matter who Denver has running they ball since they all rack up the yards.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Brett Favre surprised no one with his emotional performance on Monday night. I cried, and dogs don’t cry.
THE LINE
Off the board.
OVER/UNDER
Off the board.
FINAL SHAKE
Packers are a sleepy giant that woke up when you jabbed it with that sharp stick. Way to go, jerko.
MATCHUP
Pittsburgh (6-9) at Baltimore (9-6)
7:30 p.m., ESPN
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Steelers lead 11-4
WATCH YOUR STEP
In three starts, Jamal Lewis has averaged just 71 yards against these Steelers. He needs 48 to crack 2,000 this season.
KEEP SCRATCHING
More on Lewis? He needs 154 yards to get the NFL single-season mark. To bad they don’t have a Clark at QB, or this could be Lewis & Clark’s new frontier.
THE LINE
Ravens by 71/2
OVER/UNDER
39
FINAL SHAKE
Ravens end Steelers’ misery, although they still live in Pittsburgh.
