By most accounts, Britney Spears got married to childhood buddy Jason Allan Alexander early Saturday and somehow managed to have all the annulment papers in order hours later, raising questions that the entire episode may have been nothing more than a publicity stunt, unlike the short marriage between Nicolas Cage and Lisa Marie Presley, which was merely the work of freaks in heat.
What else does Britney have in store for us as she goes whoring for press? Mr. Cranky anticipates more publicity stunts:
Two months from now Britney and Jason announce the impending birth of their “love child.” In order to bring their message of love and unity to the world, a surgical procedure is performed whereby a small camera is surgically implanted in Britney’s womb so the activity of the fetus can be monitored 24 hours a day over the Internet.
Six months from now Britney will appear with Barbara Walters and cry profusely, explaining how her marriage was not a publicity stunt and how the vicious press has ruined her life. Not surprisingly, this heartfelt discussion will coincide with the release of a new album.
Six months and one day from now, Britney’s new album, titled “Marriage Ain’t No Picnic,” will appear on shelves only to be recalled the same day due to a “mysterious defect.” The album will feature several possible hit tunes including: “Baby, One More Signature,” “I’m an Ex-Wife for You” and “E-Mail My Heart (But Sign the Papers).”
Eight months from now, Britney Spears’ new book titled “My 48 Hours of Hell” debuts on The New York Times Bestseller list at No. 1. Following are some phrases that will appear repeatedly in the book: “It was like nothing I had ever experienced before”; “The paparazzi were relentless”; and “If I had it to do all over again …”
Nine months from now, with album sales sagging, Britney appears on Dr. Phil.
Nine months and one day from now, e-mail accounts across the country will be spammed with the following subject line: “See the secret Britney footage for free!” One year from now, Jason Allan Alexander will announce his engagement to Christina Aguilera.
Subsequently, Britney will break down in tears right in the middle of singing the national anthem at the Super Bowl.
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ritaredeye@tribune.com
