As Charles Dean scrolled through the in-box on his office computer, he eagerly clicked on the e-mail from his girlfriend of two months.
There was no cheery hello to kick off his day or an invitation for lunch. Instead, he stared at a modern “Dear John” letter.
The relationship was over.
He was not only stunned by the breakup but also by how the news was delivered. “It hit me like a slap on the face on a cold winter day and really hurt,” Dean said. “That kind of thing really needs to be done in person.”
Welcome to love and heartbreak in the computer age. We buy books online. We make love connections online. And we sometimes end them the same way.
But the trend is no fad; all indications point to more people (both men and women) saying goodbye to their relationships via e-mail. A recent survey by match.com found more than half of the 4,000 respondents have experienced an e-mail breakup.
Relationship experts say online heartbreakers are a byproduct of our fast-paced lifestyle and our penchant for cost-cutting measures. Millions of people meet through online dating sites and use e-mail to communicate and develop the relationship. Friends use e-mails to stay in touch. Married couples send each other reminders about plans and groceries.
“We live in a throwaway society. Buy that disposable camera from Kodak. Use it once and throw it away,” said Salvatore Didato, a psychologist in Scarsdale, N.Y., and author of “The Big Book of Personality Tests.” “Now, if you are not happy with a guy, send a three-line memo, push a button and that’s the end of him. … That does not say much about our respect for human beings.”
Scott Sergent of Vinings, Ga., received the “Let’s just be friends” speech in an e-mail in March from a woman he dated briefly. The short e-mail popped up on his screen just days after Sergent had made the woman a home-cooked meal.
“I would like someone to sit across from me at a table, to look me in the eye and say whatever,” Sergent said.
A few circumstances, however, might justify dumping someone through e-mail: a long-distance romance; a relationship started and developed online; a fear of violence during a face-to-face breakup; or the inability to follow through with a breakup if it’s in person.
If you do decide to ditch electronically, relationship experts say a careful and sensitive approach can ease some of the sting.
Dr. Elizabeth Saenger, a New York psychologist and former owner of a matchmaking company, said the message needs to be blunt enough to get the message across but also sensitive enough to show consideration. She said the writer should focus on some of the other person’s positive attributes and express hope for their future and finding someone else.
Match.com’s vice president, Trish McDermott, believes an e-mail makes more sense in today’s world.
“It’s just what busy, technology-savvy people do these days,” McDermott said. And after the initial shock, there can be an upside to technology.
“At least there was none of that awkwardness when you are next to the person,” Sergent said, “and you have to say goodbye.”
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Edited by Cara DiPasquale (cdipasquale@tribune.com) and Victoria Rodriguez (vrodriguez@tribune.com)
