Dear Amy: I am a 48-year-old woman divorced for four years. I’ve been dating a man for four months. He has been separated for seven months. I have two teenagers and he has two children living with him who are both sophomores at local colleges. He is self-employed and basically retired.
We have started seeing each other about twice a week for the last two months, and he calls me or we speak every day at least two or three times. I am beginning to have feelings for him and I know he cares about me, but I’m not sure if the relationship is moving in a direction I would like.
Once or twice he talked about us taking a vacation in the next few months but hasn’t said anything since; and at other times he talks about moving out of state once his kids are through with college. He jokes with me a lot, so sometimes I don’t know if he’s serious.
Friends say he would not be calling as much as he does if he wasn’t interested, but I don’t know. He’s not separated that long, which makes me think he may just not be ready for a steady relationship. I know the logical thing would be to just talk about it, but I don’t want to scare him away if he’s simply not ready.
— BJK
Dear BJK: Those first dating experiences after a long marriage are full of awkward moments, false starts and tiny baby steps toward intimacy.
One thing many of us middle-age single people learn when we start to date is that we don’t always know what we want from relationships. We only know what we don’t want. And knowing what you don’t want doesn’t give you much to go on when you’re trying to move forward with a new person.
You’re right to take it easy with this man; after all, he isn’t even divorced yet. It sounds as if he’s trying on different scenarios to see which fits. You probably remember that first year after marriage ended, when you felt eager and gun-shy at the same time. It’s a geeky stage. It’s confusing. But please let him be geeky for a while longer.
Don’t push him, don’t try to decode his mixed signals, make your own plans for vacations and the future, and trust that gradually the pieces of his life will drift into place. If you think that’s what you want, you can arrange to be there when that happens.
Dear Amy: Last June a neighbor told me that her family (along with extended family members) was going on a vacation. I said to her that my family was thinking of going on the same vacation. Her immediate reaction was, “Why don’t you go when we are going?”
I talked this over with my husband and thought that since we were going to go anyway, it would be fun to go with another family whose children are around the same age as ours.
I called my neighbor and found out when they were thinking of going, and it fit into our time frame. We booked the trip. They seemed excited that we would also be going. The trip is scheduled for a few months from now.
Now I have heard through the grapevine and from a very reliable source that they are upset that we are going on their “family trip.”
This is a very awkward situation since we live in a small and very close neighborhood. Since I have learned how they feel about all of this, I have been very cool to her. I am very hurt by this situation and can’t get past this to move on, probably because this vacation is coming up and we don’t know what to do.
Should we get in touch with her and tell her what we heard? Do we go on the vacation and do our own thing and hope not to run into them, or do we try to change our plans so as not to “intrude” on their “family” vacation?
— Hurt in Pennsylvania
Dear Hurt: Let’s start with the idea that facing this issue head-on right now is going to be a whole lot easier than grabbing the husband and kids and hiding out from your neighbors while you’re on vacation.
Taking the word of a third party — even if you consider that person “a very reliable source” — isn’t enough to go on here. And your behaving coolly toward your friend is guaranteed to create a problem, even if none existed before.
Why don’t you invite your neighbor over for coffee and ask her frankly if she is comfortable with the arrangement. Let her know that you hope they don’t feel “crowded.” You might ease this situation by demonstrating that you’re making your own itinerary while you’re away — and that there is no pressure to spend time together unless both clans want to.
She may in fact have reservations about inviting you along, but unless you give her a chance to express herself, you’ll only find out when it’s way too late to do anything about it.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Readers may send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous Ask Amy columns are available at Amy Dickinson’s Web site, Chicagotribune.com/amy.
