One word for last night’s Academy Awards: predictable. It became clear early that “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King” was going to clean up.
Personally, I think that had something to do with the fact that “LOTR” fans had gathered in the hills of Los Angeles threatening to riot if their Precious was disrespected.
It’s hard to imagine the Academy taking threats seriously from fans of “Lost in Translation,” but “LOTR” fans have nothing to lose–no job, no life, no significant other (same sex or otherwise)–as such, they get taken seriously.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Tim Robbins
Rumor has it that Robbins, despite being the odds-on favorite to win the best supporting actor Oscar, stuttered through his entire acceptance speech because that fawning, obsequious, intolerable pre-show interviewer Billy Bush had offered to give him a tongue-bath moments earlier because Robbins is “just so fabulous.”
In fact, Bush’s repeated attempts to tackle passing celebrities, pull down their pants and give their rears big, sloppy kisses on national TV not only proved disruptive, but will likely rile up the FCC enough to draw the heat away from CBS’s recent “Halftime Tribute to Porn.”
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Renee Zellweger
When Zellweger won the award for best supporting actress, everyone in America was asking the same question: “Who’s that goofy-looking guy sitting next to Renee?”
Clearly, this award signals that Zellweger has turned the “aw, shucks” approach to stardom into a rewardable acting style. Suddenly, acting coaches throughout L.A. have to restructure their classes to include a new form: “mousy.”
BEST ACTRESS: Charlize Theron
Did anybody else get the idea that Theron’s win was wrapped up when she presented the award for best foreign film? Perhaps the show could have made the best actress SEEM moderately suspenseful by having at least one of the other nominees present too? Oh, wait, Naomi Watts presented, but she was just a co-presenter.
BEST ACTOR: Sean Penn
Clearly, the Academy realized that if they did not hand Penn the award, there was a 50-50 chance that he was going to get up and kick somebody’s ass.
We’ve also learned, by both the best actor and best actress categories, that when “wacky” is matched up against “pathos,” “wacky” rarely, if ever, comes out on top. It’s like a big contest to see who can be in the most evident pain, who can writhe in the deepest, most obvious levels of screeching emotional torment.
And well, if your performance is cute or subtle by comparison, that’s what the Golden Globes are for.
BEST DIRECTOR: Peter Jackson
Looking like he just got off a plane from Middle-earth, Jackson took home this award, making it the first time a man who directed an X-rated film with gigantic muppets has ever recovered to win best director.
BEST PICTURE: “The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King”
Instead of the requisite thank yous, Jackson and crew could have used any of the following:
– “This is more awkward than my prom night.”
– “Fans of ‘LOTR,’ you can finally come out of your rooms!”
– “Everyone who picked on us in high school can take this Oscar and shove it!”
One imagines Jackson and crew will be partying long into the night with a marathon, no-holds barred game of “Magic: The Gathering.”
