Dear Cheryl: I’ve been married to a Virgo for 20 years. We have three children. He’s a philosopher and a dutiful person. But he won’t talk to me about anything. His family, parents, cousin and great-aunts are always first in his life. I’m supposed to cater to them all the time. He feels it’s our duty to pamper them and help them. They’re always right and I’m always wrong. He never listens to my side of the story.
Please help me. I’m under a lot of mental tension. He will not go for counseling. Can you suggest a book on being married to a philosopher or a Virgo? Has anybody else ever had the same experience?
–He Thinks, Therefore
He’s Mean to Me
Dear HTTHMTM: I don’t know much about the subject, but I can’t imagine any philosophy that says it’s OK to be disrespectful to your wife. As far as your husband being a Virgo, if you’re into astrology, there are tons of books about how different signs get along. But I don’t think your problem is in the stars. I think your husband is a selfish, arrogant bully. If he won’t go to counseling, go yourself.
Dear Cheryl: I’ve been dating this guy for nine months. We were best friends before we started dating. In the first couple of months, he was so good to me. You could tell he worshiped the ground I walked on. But as the months went on, we got very comfortable with each other and the mushy stuff dwindled, which I’m sure is normal in any relationship.
Well, about three months into the relationship, he told me he loved me, which was great because I love him to death. Lately, though, he hasn’t said it as much. I try to talk about our relationship, but he hates to talk about stuff like that, which bothers me. Two months ago he was in Missouri visiting friends and didn’t call me all day. The next day we got into it, and I told him he really hurt my feelings. He said he was sorry but that it may happen again because calling is not a huge deal for him. He said it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about me, it’s just that he gets wrapped up in what he’s doing.
Well, it has happened twice more. I got upset because he didn’t call, and he got upset with my being upset. I think it’s very selfish to not even say you will try to work on it. He’s 30 years old, and marriage is not a top priority in his life and I have known that from Day One. (His parents have been married, like, three times each.) But I’m 24 and I want to find that certain person, which is not to say that I want to get married right now, but I do eventually. I don’t think he’s the one for me for the rest of my life, unless he decides to change. But most people don’t.
I love being around him and spending time with him, but is it fair to keep the relationship going or should I end it now? I love our friendship and spending time together, so it scares me that that may end.
— Puzzled
Dear Puzzled: I think you’re silly to make such a big deal about a phone call. So what if he doesn’t call you every single day? He comes home to you, right? You’re letting the phone calls become a power issue, and they’re not worth it. On the other hand, I agree that people change only when they want to, and your boyfriend obviously doesn’t want to. If you’re looking for “that certain person,” and you’re certain he’s not him, then end the relationship now. And don’t think the two of you can go back to being best friends; it doesn’t work that way. That’s the chance you take when friends become lovers.
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E-mail your relationship tales and problems to Cheryllavin@aol.com.
