Dear Amy: My 12-year-old son started at a new school, where he has become a target for verbal bullying by a few older guys. The school is doing its best to control the situation. But my son feels a need to respond with some funny verbal quips. Do you or your readers have any suggestions?
— Eloise
Dear Eloise: Speaking as a verbal quipper and all-around smarty-pants, I’d like to applaud your son’s desire to stand up to these bullies in his own way. I think you and I both know that his spunky qualities will serve him well, certainly later in life.
I turned to an expert on bullying to see if quipping is as effective against playground bullies as it can be against boardroom bullies.
Dr. Sherryll Kraizer is head of the Coalition for Children in Denver and author of “The Safe Child Book: A Commonsense Approach to Protecting Children and Teaching Children to Protect Themselves” (1996, Fireside Books).
Kraizer says that shooting back banter can work well at this age, providing that your son knows how to do it effectively. Responding to bullying with a quip of his own might be a way for your son to feel confident and powerful, which is good bully-proofing behavior. He also needs to know when not to quip.
Role-playing with your son at home can help him come up with more strategies, because as every stand-up comic knows, you never open with your new stuff until you run it past your mom first.
Strong and simple statements such as, “Whatever,” or “Go find someone who cares” should be followed by walking away. Walking away is key, here. Responding with strong but not aggressive body language and eye contact will show these bullies that your son isn’t afraid.
You should continue to work with the school about this — not just for your son’s sake, but for the sake of the larger school community. Check www.safechild.org for more information.
Dear Amy: My husband struggled with a weight problem for much of his life. About three years ago he went on an exercise and diet program and lost over 100 pounds.
The problem is that he has become so obsessed with his exercise program that he has little time or energy for me. He goes to bed shortly after our children do and wakes up early to work out. He runs and bikes competitively and brings home medals and trophies.
I have talked to him about this. He makes an attempt to be with me, but then goes back to his routine. I miss having an intimate relationship with him, especially now that he has never looked sexier. I also feel hurt that he has chosen sports over me.
— Exercise Widow
Dear Widow: When people lose such a significant amount of weight, they often find their relationships are altered as well. To change your body, you have to change your life and attack your fitness with the same intensity that you once attacked the dinner plate.
Since his successful dieting has brought on a transition in your marriage, you are both going to have to be very deliberate about trying to fix it. You need to actively embrace the changes he has made and show your support by being a jogging partner if possible, attending events, being his biggest fan and proudly displaying his trophies at home.
He needs to compromise in terms of the time he devotes to his body. He should be willing to limit the number of competitions he enters, include you and the kids in his plans, and also have a regular workout amnesty, partly to be with his family, but also so he won’t become the most boring guy on the planet.
His most important function is as a member of your family, even now that he’s buff.
Dear Amy: Regarding the letter from a woman who hadn’t received condolences from colleagues when her mother died, I have to say, I’ve been there. After my mother and sister passed away, I was very hurt and angry by some people’s lack of acknowledgment– including my own husband’s family.
If people can’t bring themselves to even utter a simple, “I’m so sorry to hear about your loss,” how about sending a sympathy card? I think it’s weak and selfish to not say anything just because you’re not sure what to say.
— Trudy from Patchogue
Dear Trudy: You are so right. I had a colleague who went through something similar. She told me that even if people looked her in the eye and said, “I don’t know what to say . . . ” it helped.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Readers may send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous Ask Amy columns are available at Amy Dickinson’s Web site, Chicagotribune.com/amy.
