I get it now why Greeks like to give wreaths to so many Olympians.
With all the sad faces, they think it’s a wake.
In less than two weeks’ time, I can’t believe how many candidates we have had for Our Saddest Summer Olympian.
We had a diver who failed to successfully defend her 2000 gold medal and then, quoting Shakespeare, if I am not mistaken, said, “I’m a little bummed.”
We had a beach volleyball player who, disappointed by a loss to that land known for its hot and sandy beaches, Switzerland, said, “It’s a bummer.”
(NBC is proud to bring you continued around-the-clock coverage of these Bummer Olympics.)
It got a lot worse.
We had a Greek track great who said the reason he missed a drug test was because he was in a motorcycle accident, yet no such crash was reported to police.
We had a Danish sailor whose car killed a pedestrian and led to his facing a manslaughter charge.
We had a U.S. wrestler who, when asked how she felt about winning a silver medal but not a gold, said, “I don’t think there’s anything more painful in the world.”
(Even though in 1999 her brother was murdered.)
We also had a swimmer’s mother so upset over her son’s disqualification that she bolted right past security to get to his side.
We had a Japanese wrestler whose father, a former pro wrestler named Heigo “the Animal” Hamaguchi, let out a primal scream in the stands after his daughter’s defeat and tried to jump a rail so he could get to her on the mat.
(Terrorism training classes for Greek security forces apparently needed to issue special instructions on how to restrain nutty moms and pops.)
And teardrops really have been flowing in the home of Greek tragedy.
We had a British marathon runner, a favorite to win, who had to stop running because her legs really hurt. She wept as soon as she stopped.
We had an American in that race with no idea she was in third place until she ran into the stadium for the last lap. She wept while she ran.
We had a Greek woman who was so overcome when a former Greek track champion phoned her after the race that she fell to her knees and said, “I don’t believe it.”
(Maybe he called collect.)
We had a U.S. teenager who was so distraught at losing she got out of the pool and threw up on her coach’s wife.
(The thrill of victory and the nausea of defeat.)
Oh, such unhappy people.
We had a Chinese basketball player, a certain 7-foot-5-inch Houston Rocket, who was so irate about his teammates’ play that China’s media accused him of a truly terrible thing–“acting more and more like an American.”
We had spectators who booed so loudly Monday night that they held up men’s gymnastics for nearly 10 minutes until a Russian gymnast asked them to please hush.
We had spectators who angrily hurled water bottles into a ring Tuesday night when a referee took a look at a Greek boxer’s bloody face and stopped the fight.
(Apparently taking the phrase “Let’s get ready to rumble!” a little too literally.)
Bad Olympic luck also struck.
We had a pole vaulter who spent four years preparing to defend her 2000 gold medal, received a huge amount of publicity, came to Greece and could only get over the bar once.
We had a hurdler who got to the first hurdle and did not get over it.
We had a hurdler who got to a hurdle, stumbled and fell into another hurdler, knocking them both out of the race.
We had a guy from the U.S. who was just one shot from a shooting gold medal, then accidentally aimed his rifle at the wrong target.
(“Stuff happens,” he actually said.)
Even winners were unlucky.
We had a gymnast who won his event, then was told he shouldn’t have won, then was told that maybe he could be a nice guy and say that he and a Korean guy co-won.
We had a swimmer who won his event, then was told he had to pay a $5,000 fine because he came to the pool dressed in an illegal robe.
(I believe Julius Caesar issued similar harsh fines to Roman soldiers for the wearing of improper tunics.)
Of course, there are thousands of happy faces at these Games as well, many with medals around their necks and wreaths atop their scalps.
But between these tears of joy and tears of grief, Greece must have enough water to play host to four more years of synchronized swimming.
