Dear Amy: One of my friends is a part-time drama teacher at my son’s school. Last year, whenever I saw her, she would comment on how my son is doing in school and share her “concerns” about him. She’s even suggested that he has learning and behavior issues.
I think this is completely out of line. If my son is having problems at school, the communication should come from his classroom teacher, not her, and should be presented in a professional manner, not as a “by the way” during casual chitchat. His teacher never mentioned any concerns, and I think my friend is really overstepping her bounds. How do I get her to stop?
— Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: I know it must be maddening to have a part-timer weighing in on your child’s schooling; anyone would have a reaction similar to yours.
But the thing is, what if your friend is right? What if your son does have problems or learning issues that you haven’t detected? And what if his classroom teacher is overwhelmed or new at the job or just not too good at communicating in-between parent-teacher conferences?
Don’t you want to find out what, if anything, is going on?
I would.
The answer is simple. After the school year gets fully under way, give his teacher a call and ask for a conference. Most teachers are happy to grant this one-on-one time before or after the school day. Tell her exactly what you say here, and (this is the hard part) listen to her answer.
The teacher may report that all is well, but now you’ve demonstrated that you are an assertive and interested parent, and teachers tend to like that. When issues do arise, they need to know that you’ll be responsive.
The next time your friend brings this up, you can say with full confidence, “Thanks, Jessica, but I’ve got it covered.”
Dear Amy: I have been dating my girlfriend coming up on three years now and plan on, sometime next year, popping the question. I couldn’t be happier with my life.
My question/problem is I’ve been thinking about a prenuptial agreement. To be exact, thinking against one. In my mind, a prenup is an exit clause in a marriage. Something you fall back on when you really don’t feel like working out your problems.
Both of our parents are still married to each other, as are our grandparents and so forth, so we come from a long line of stable marriages. Because of this, we have an idea of the work, commitment and love needed to make a marriage work. A promise we made to each was that we would always communicate to each other about problems so that we wouldn’t get into major fights. So far, for almost three years, it’s worked.
My question is, is a prenup always necessary?
— Jeff in Chicago
Dear Jeff: I can tell that you are very happy and stable. I can also tell that you are assuming you’ll be married to your girlfriend forever, and that’s great. But I dare say that just about all marrying couples feel the way you do as they head toward marriage. No one imagines they’ll wind up on the wrong end of the divorce statistics.
A prenup can be whatever you want it to be, and some people carry prenups to ridiculous degrees, by drawing up pre-wedding contracts dictating how much their spouses can weigh or how often they will have sex.
I think a prenup’s primary purpose is to protect a person’s financial assets and property. If you are young and don’t have assets such as a pension, inheritance, property or stake in a family business to protect, then maybe you don’t need one. If your fiance is in the same position as you, then maybe she doesn’t need one.
In my view, the best part of the prenup process is the sitting down and talking part, when you are very frank about your financial goals and receive professional advice. All couples should do that before marriage, whether or not the process ends in a prenup. Don’t think of it as an exit strategy but as a way to review your practical and financial goals before marriage.
Dear Amy: Recently you printed a letter from a young lady whose boyfriend takes her to all the places he took his previous girlfriend. May I offer another reason he may be doing that?
My sweet husband was married before. He takes me to all the same places, and I don’t mind. He told me that it helps him to remember those places with me in them, not her.
That young lady should not worry too much about it. Sounds to me like he’d like to remember her instead of the ex.
— S
Dear S: I love this positive perspective, but if the girlfriend doesn’t like going to these places, she should offer up alternatives, don’t you think?
———-
Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous columns are available at Chicagotribune.com/amy.
