Consider it a dare.
Weather delays, ambitious TV scheduling, and the NFL’s opening weekend converged to bring you 34 out of a possible 101 hours of ongoing action over the next five days. If you sleep eight hours a night, you’ll get 32 hours this weekend.
Can you watch it all?
Do it right and you could set the tone for a magical season. Do it wrong and you could be burned out by Friday morning.
Thursday
Missouri at Troy State, 6 p.m., ESPN2
Indianapolis at New England, 8 p.m.,
WLS-Ch. 7
Sleep until noon but make it to the store by 3 p.m. for provisions. You’ll need four pounds of smoked deli meats, three bags of anything in the “snack” family, and – this is vital – 16 AA batteries. If the remote craps out, you might as well just give up and go read a book. And Google “Troy State” to find out where it is. You’ll get no help here.
Hygiene tip: When you wake up in the third quarter of Missouri-Troy State, wipe off any drool and join the NFL game in progress. There’s plenty of time for that later
Total viewing time to date: At least five hours.
Friday
Florida State at Miami, 7 p.m., ABC
Oregon State at Boise State, 9 p.m., ESPN
Your first big challenge comes as the FSU-Miami game overlaps with the start of what is, really, a huge OSU-BSU tilt. Those with picture-in-picture know just what to do. The others will have to learn what sacrifice is all about.
Hygiene tip: You’ll be tempted to throw out the pizza boxes in your underwear, but put on a robe. No reason to scare the neighbors.
Total viewing time to date: At least 10 hours.
Saturday
UCLA at Illinois, 11 a.m., WLS-Ch. 7
UNLV at Wisconsin, 11 a.m., ESPN
Arizona St. at Northwestern, 11 a.m., ESPN2
Marshall at Ohio State, 2:30 p.m., WLS-Ch. 7
S. Illinois at Northern Illinois, 3 p.m., FSN
Georgia at South Carolina, 4:30 p.m., ESPN
Penn St. at Boston College, 7 p.m., WLS-Ch. 7
Texas at Arkansas, 7:45 p.m., ESPN
Mississippi at Alabama, 8 p.m., ESPN2
The mother lode. Nine games in at least 12 hours. Don’t think, just react. Set your alarm for 10 a.m. and call local media to see if they’re interested in watching you sit on your rump all day. You never know.
Pace yourself. Don’t click around too much, but roam later for last-second finishes.
When afternoon games roll around, you’ll be in midseason form as long as your thumb doesn’t cramp up. If it does, remember: Your big toe is ready and willing.
Hygiene tip: Stay fresh and build a makeshift shower in your living room by running your sprinkler through the kitchen.
Total viewing time to date: At least 22 hours.
Sunday
Detroit at Bears, noon, WFLD-Ch. 32
Tennessee at Miami, noon, WBBM-Ch. 2
Dallas at Minnesota, 3:15 p.m., WFLD-Ch. 32
Kansas City at Denver, 7:30 p.m., ESPN
Without DirecTV’s NFL package you get four games, which by now you can do with your hands tied behind your back. Just for fun, invite a friend over to tie your hands behind your back and enjoy the NFL’s opening weekend. Make sure it’s a friend who is willing to scratch you.
Hygiene tip: Check under the couch for any inadvertently discarded pieces of clothing or sandwich meats.
Total viewing time to date: At least 31 hours.
Monday
Green Bay at Carolina, 8 p.m., WLS-Ch. 7
Yes, you’re tired but if you can get force down a Packers game, you’re home free. Test your sanity by attempting to hit on ABC sideline reporter Michele Tafoya during her in-game reports. If she accepts your overtures, immediately turn off the TV and seek professional help. You’ve gone too far.
Hygiene tip: Get a gallon of Costco’s liquid body soap, go home and open the windows. All the windows.
Total viewing time: At least 34 hours.
