Dear Amy: It has come to my attention that my nephew (age 16) and niece (age 11) no longer wish to reside with their father and stepmother. My nephew has expressed an interest to move in with me, but says he wants his sister to come too, because their parents do not treat either one of them well. I have asked my nephew if he was sure he wanted to live with me and not his biological mother, whom he visits pursuant to a visitation order, and he says no; he wants to live with me.
I’m confident that my niece feels the same way, but have not approached her about it. While I would love to have both my nephew and niece live with me and I do have the space for them, what can I do to make this happen? What rights do I have? Or better yet what rights do my nephew and niece have? Is there an agency that may be able to assist us in figuring this out? Please help.
— Loving Aunt
Dear Aunt: I hope you realize the enormity of what you are attempting to do. If your brother and his wife don’t wish to part with these children, you’ll have to pursue this through the courts. Expect their mother to have a say in this also.
I don’t intend to discourage you, because if these children are being mistreated, their well-being and safety should be paramount and you should attempt to step in right away, but I can’t tell from your letter what is going on and what their level of distress is. In most states, legally a young person between 16-18 is in a gray area; your nephew could possibly decide to live with you — unless his parents fight it through the courts. A family court judge will have to weigh the options on your niece’s behalf.
If you suspect mistreatment or abuse, contact your local department of child protective services. Short of that, you could help this family through a rough patch by helping to connect them with a family mediator.
Many communities have community dispute resolution services and if this is a question of your nephew hitting the skids of teenhood and arguing with his father and stepmother, a good mediator can help so much.
Otherwise, I think that you should intentionally extend invitations to these children to spend time with you as often as they would like. If you offer them a consistent and loving soft place to land, they will benefit from being with you without having the permanent disruption of leaving their home.
Dear Amy: Many months ago my friend and I decided to start a restaurant together. We discussed it several times, met with a potential landlord and partner, made preliminary plans, etc. The timing was not quite right, and after not pursuing it for some time, my friend had the opportunity to buy a restaurant on his own and he did so without asking me if I was interested in partnering with him.
I know my friend was not under any legal obligation to me and this is America, where the business motto “you do what you have to do” lives on. I feel that by pursuing the very same business that we discussed he sent me a very clear message about what he thought of our friendship.
He has offered an apology, but I still feel hurt, especially since if the shoe was on the other foot he, in all likelihood, would never speak to me again and would be the first to smear my name among our friends. I have tried to be happy for him but I am having difficulty doing so and it makes being around him with our group of friends quite tough since he now talks about his new business and how hard he is working in front of me.
— Feeling Betrayed
Dear Betrayed: First of all, I’m having trouble understanding why you want to be friends (not to mention go into business) with someone you are convinced would smear you at the drop of a hat.
I hope you realize that when your friend proceeded with the restaurant plan without you, he not only cut you out of the business but also out of a career of backbreaking, seven-days-a-week work followed by the very real possibility of failure. According to a recent study, one in two restaurants fail within the first two years. How appetizing is that?
If he has apologized to you, I think you should accept his apology, keep your distance from the friendship, but let him feel just bad enough to comp your dessert.
Dear Amy: Regarding the practice of sending pre-printed thank-you notes: Not only did my husband and I write thank-you notes for our wedding gifts, but on our fifth wedding anniversary we decided to rethank them.
It felt great to mark the occasion by letting everyone know that their gifts were still remembered and still being used.
— M & J from Oregon
Dear M & J: Wow! A double-thank! This has got to be a first.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous columns are available at Chicagotribune.com/amy.
