When Shaquille O’Neal returns to face the Los Angeles Lakers on Christmas Day for the first time as a member of the Miami Heat, don’t expect him to hug Kobe Bryant.
Bump, elbow, hip-check, maybe a forearm shiver. But no hugs.
“If you’ve got a Corvette that runs into a brick wall, you know what’s gonna happen,” O’Neal said Monday night. “He’s a corvette. I’m a brick wall. So you know what’s gonna happen.”
A year ago, these two were aiming together for a fourth straight NBA title as members of a loaded Lakers team. But since then, O’Neal got his wish and was traded while Bryant got a lucrative long-term deal to stay with the Lakers.
Saturday’s game between the Heat and the Lakers gets decided on the court. But the action starts right here, right now.
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KOBE VS. SHAQ
VITALS
KOBE: 26 years old, 6 foot 6, 220 pounds.
32 years old, 7 foot 1, 340 pounds.
WINNER: Shaq. And he hasn’t even put on his winter weight yet.
SO FAR THIS SEASON
KOBE: Kobe has started 24 of 24 games, averaging 27 points a game and 7.5 rebounds per game. Last season, he finished with 24 ppg. and 5.5 rpg.
Shaq has started 26 of 27 games, averaging 20.9 points a game and 11.0 rebounds per game. Last season, he finished with 21.5 ppg and 11.5 rpg.
WINNER: Kobe. Do the math. Kobe’s rising, Shaq’s declining.
ASTROLOGICAL SIGNS
KOBE: He’s a Virgo. Astrologyzone.com’s forecast notes: “The full moon on December 26, which will be operative plus or minus four days from this date, is a perfect case in point. Sometime during that full moon period you will be amid masses of people, including many friends. You may be invited to a wedding, reunion or grand holiday party.”
He’s a Pisces. According to astrology.com: “A very serious and profound promise will be made during a talk–and you’ll probably be initiating the conversation, which just can’t help but turn out well. Make plans to celebrate appropriately.”
WINNER: Shaq. He won’t admit it, but he needs closure.
SALARIES
KOBE: Kobe’s deal: $136.4 million over seven years.
Shaq’s deal: $59 million over two years.
WINNER: Kobe. That’s one expensive Corvette.
FLASH POINT
KOBE: A police report that became public last month after a sexual assault case against him shows Bryant telling investigators that Shaq had paid women up to $1 million to remain silent about sexual encounters.
O’Neal denied the allegations, saying at the time, “I’m not the one buying love.”
WINNER: There are no winners in this case.
JERSEY SALES
KOBE: Bryant’s jersey has reportedly dropped out of the top 50 for the first time in four years.
O’Neal’s Heat jersey is the NBA’s top-seller, selling 325 percent more than his Lakers jersey did a year ago. They even added staff to handle the increased retail sales.
WINNER: Uh … Shaq!
RAPID FIRE
KOBE: In 2003, Bryant told ESPN, “I have been successfully sacrificing my game for years for Shaq. That’s what Phil [Jackson] wanted me to do, so I did it.”
In 2004, O’Neal told Sports Illustrated, “Everybody knows I was getting screwed by the young fella. … I’m a 60 percent shooter [57.7 for his career], and I’ve got to beg for the ball? What the hell is that?”
WINNER: Kobe. Shaq still has to share with Dwyane Wade. Kobe has no other talent now.
PEACE ON EARTH
KOBE: “December 25 sounds like a good day to me to kind of talk to him and tell him I never meant in any kind of way to bring any of his personal business out,” Bryant told ESPN.
Asked if he had any response to Bryant’s proposed apology, O’Neal said, “No, none whatsoever.”
WINNER: Shaq. If Kobe wants to relate to Shaq, he can apologize with bad rap lyrics.
OVERALL WINNER: Oh, you think we were going to let you get a peek at your Christmas Day gift? No way.
