TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: WHAT DID YOU APPARENTLY DO TO HELP BRING BARRY BONDS DOWN?
TOPIC 2: HOW SHOULD ROSEMONT GREET THE THOUSANDS OF BASKETBALL FANS ABOUT TO INVADE?
TOPIC 3: HOW WILL A UWM FAN FEEL SITTING IN A SEA OF ORANGE THURSDAY NIGHT?
TOPIC 4: ARE YOU IN A FANTASY BASEBALL LEAGUE. IF SO, WHY? IF NOT, WHY NOT?
TOPIC 5: ASHLEY JUDD IS WRITING A HOOPS COLUMN. WHAT STAR SHOULD FIVE ON FIVE HIRE?
JIMMY GREENFIELD
I stole his mojo. It was quite tasty.
With skepticism and a whole lot of pepper spray.
Worried, confused, perplexed, panicked and, inevitably, sticky.
I have a God complex. Sincerely, Jimmy (a.k.a The Lord God)
You mean besides Mike North? You meant that, right?
PHIL THOMPSON
I never expressly told him that steroids aren’t OK.
Let them take turns sleeping in my car for $50 an hour. Ah, that Midwest hospitality, folks.
Who says they’ll be allowed to sit? Human footrests don’t make themselves.
I’m too obsessed with football. I’m actually working on a fantasy football off-season game.
Since it’s Five on Five, it could only be (drum roll, please) … 50 Cent.
LEO EBERSOLE
OK, I’ll come clean. I beaned him during a game of MVP Baseball ’05.
With open arms … directing them to a $40 parking spot.
Like Hilary Duff in a mosh pit.
I’m in three leagues, because there’s more to life than doing things that make me a better person.
Carrot Top. Then my jokes’ll start to look good.
WHIZZER
I made a flip remark about his girlish earring. C’mon, it was a joke.
Nobody mention DePaul, OK? It’s their court and some wounds heal slowly.
Oblivious. It’ll be the time of their life. And then the game will start.
Dear God: If you are all-powerful, why are you bald? Love, Whizzer.
Um, hello? I’m right here, fellas. And Leo, hold my calls.
BAG BOY
I got his autograph, then blew my nose in it in front of him. Then I ran.
Tell the Oklahoma State fans there’s no camping on the
Kennedy Expressway.
Remember in “Raiders of the Lost Ark” when Indiana fell into the snake pit? Like that.
My sole mission this season is to finish out of last place. No chance.
Let’s hire Judd’s sister. And I’ll bring the pizza.
