Dear Amy: We have four children — three teens. I have learned through a friend that my 16-year-old daughter and her 16-year-old boyfriend of seven months are going to become sexually active.
I have been open and specific with all four of my children about sex. My daughter is aware that she should just say “no,” that 16 is too young, that pregnancy can happen even with birth control, and that STDs are rampant.
My question is, now that they have made the decision and are planning to get birth control, what can I do?
Even if my daughter tells me and asks for my help in getting birth control, then what?
How does a parent provide birth control for their child without giving “permission” to have sex? Do I say, “Here is birth control, but you can’t have sex in our house?”
I would like to know what other parents have done.
I have talked and talked and talked. I have warned and discussed and shown videos, given her books and discussed those books. I have done my part, but I know that hormones, lust and 16-year-old-ness have won out. Help!
— Mom
Dear Mom: I understand the two sides to this argument. However, there is evidence that when young people are educated about sex and its consequences, and when they have access to reproductive health care, the teen pregnancy rate goes down.
According to the Alan Guttmacher Institute, the teen pregnancy rate for 15-to-19-year-olds decreased 28 percent between 1990 and 2000. It may surprise you that teens report that their relationship with their parents is paramount in their decisions about sex.
You’ve done your best to educate your daughter, and now she should be given a thorough gynecological exam and receive birth control counseling by a professional.
Planned Parenthood provides reproductive health services, education and counseling. Education about sex and access to birth control doesn’t promote sex — half as much as MTV, Paris Hilton and “American Pie” movies do.
Your daughter should understand that young women have to take responsibility for their reproductive health. You and your husband also should clearly articulate your “no sex” point of view to her boyfriend.
Please continue to talk to your daughter, educate her, respect, trust and love her. You should include her boyfriend in your family’s life too.
Your daughter will become sexually active — eventually. But your goal should be to delay this decision until she is older, more mature and better able to handle the consequences.
For more information on teen pregnancy, check www.teenpregnancy.org.
Dear Amy: A recent letter from “Concerned” could have been written by me.
“Concerned” was a young woman hoping to move in with and transform her boyfriend — as soon as he got out of jail.
Unlike “Concerned,” I was 40 years old and should have known better. I, too, thought that the love of a good woman would make him a better man. I tried making the break while he was locked up, but I felt that I was “abandoning” someone who “needed” me. To the dismay of my family and friends, when he got out of prison, I married him.
It only took about two months to realize that I had made a huge mistake. However, it took me more than a year to make the break. He was verbally and physically abusive.
I guess that I’m trying to tell “Concerned” to run as fast as she can! She may need counseling to make the break. Right now she is his salvation. He’ll promise her anything and say anything to keep her.
I hope that “Concerned” takes your advice to find someone who is worthy of her. She is way too young to settle for Mr. Wrong.
— Been There, Done That
Dear Been There: Thank you for great advice, born of your own unfortunate experience.
I was shocked at how many women wrote to me, sharing similar stories and all very concerned about “Concerned.”
I hope that she is reading and takes your very sound advice.
Dear Amy: Occasionally you hear from parents who worry because their kids don’t have grandparents in their lives.
There are plenty of “grandparents” to go around.
We live far from our family, so we’ve “adopted” an elderly woman from our church. My husband, children and I absolutely adore “Grandma Susie,” and she might not be a blood relative, but she is a grandma to my children because she wants to be and not because she has to be.
— Laurie Bonahan
Dear Laurie: Lucky you, and lucky “Grandma Susie.” This is a wonderful solution.
———-
Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous columns are available at chicagotribune.com/amy.
