1. Think responsibly
Tom Cruise replaced his sister with a new publicist? Look, pal, she wasn’t the one humping Oprah’s leg.
2. Trust me
Anheuser-Busch wants to move into the liqueur business. Word of advice: Bud Light doesn’t mix well with orange juice.
3. Bugging out
The hounds are circling Britney Spears and Kevin Federline’s marriage, approximately doubling the number of fleas in that household.
4. How you doin’?
Cameron Diaz auditions for a part on “The Sopranos.”
5. It’s spreading
L.A. buys more country music than any other city in America. Frankly this worries me more than the bird flu.
6. Raw deal
See today’s cover story yet? Eating sushi off a live human being–this, my friends, is what separates us from the animals.
7. Not one to judge, but …
“Hey honey. … Yeah, listen. I was thinking maybe we could do something romantic tonight, like, uh, I don’t know, have sushi served to us on a naked chick. … Sure, pick you up at 7.”
8. Worlds apart
America Online unveiled Hilary Duff World Monday. Where can I apply for my exit visa?
9. Coming attractions
Just a few more days until a true G-Unit soldier hits the big screen, and I, for one, can’t wait to see Jennifer Aniston in “Derailed.”
