One friend is unwrapping a new CD while another is opening a gift card. Looks like the holiday present swap is in progress. Wait, didn’t anyone think to include you?
Cliques forget–sometimes accidentally, sometimes purposely–to include a friend or classmate in a gift exchange. And ’tis the season for hurt feelings when the group starts opening gifts in front of the excluded kid.
First, kids who are left out of a holiday gift exchange should consider whether the excluders truly are good friends, says Barbara Pachter, author of “The Power of Positive Confrontation” (Avalon Publishing Group, $14.95).
It’s possible these “friends” made a mistake. “Things happen–they may have just forgotten,” Pachter says. Sometimes kids who celebrate one religious holiday–such as Christmas–assume friends who celebrate another holiday–say Hanukkah or Ramadan–don’t want to do a gift exchange.
If an excluded kid thinks her friends made an innocent mistake, it’s OK to ask what happened, Pachter says. “Be direct,” she says. “Say to your friend, ‘I was really hurt that I wasn’t included in the gift-giving. I would have liked to be part of the group.’ “
Hopefully, the forgetful friends are apologetic. But kids who don’t care probably aren’t good friends. Especially if they exchange gifts in the classroom or lunchroom. It’s very rude to pass out only a few presents and ignore everyone else, Pachter says.
Giving holiday gifts is the same as handing out party invitations or birthday treats. Either give one to everyone in the class or hand out just a few in private, preferably where no one can accidentally spot the swap and feel excluded, Pachter says.
If the crew purposely busts out gifts to reject someone, Pachter says the excluded kid should keep cool, can the sarcasm and just walk away. Shrug it off with, “Don’t bother about me, I’m fine.” And a line such as “don’t bother” isn’t some parent-approved comeback. Shakira sings it in her new song, “Don’t Bother.”
But feelings still can be hurt even after a kid walks away from the gift exchange. And kids don’t need to be excluded from a clique to face present problems. Things can get awkward if one kid buys another a present and that kid wasn’t expecting a gift.
Pachter recommends kids keep spare gifts in their lockers or book bags to avoid being caught empty-handed. She also advises kids to discuss gift exchanges in advance. Find out who wants to trade presents and how much each kid should expect to spend.
If one friend wants to exchange gifts but the other can’t be bothered, it’s time for a reality check. “You have to question, why are you giving this person a gift,” Pachter says. “You have to think, are you putting more into the relationship?”
Figuring out where friends stand can be hurtful. Pachter recommends kids confide in their parents and focus on other friends instead. “This stuff is tough–it’s tough for adults too,” she says.
