Right now, look to your left, look to your right. One of the women you see is probably hoping for an engagement ring for Christmas. . . .
Allison: “I dated Ron for 18 months. We ended it because of his unwillingness to commit. Three years later, we found ourselves in touch again. I absolutely, positively refused to get involved with him again, because I wanted to get married someday and he didn’t. I continued to date a few other people, but Ron, who has never been married or even engaged, kept popping up.
“We met casually as friends and were not intimate. I assumed this would keep him out of my life. Wrong! After a few months, he begged me to see him exclusively, saying he did want to get married and did want to date me, exclusively. Against my better judgment, I caved.
“Now it’s two years later and in nearly every respect — other than commitment — things couldn’t be better. We’re still dating, even though Ron’s 45 and I’m 42.
“I recently looked into buying a new dishwasher and stove. He said he didn’t think it was a smart move, because he and I would be engaged and living together soon and didn’t need duplicate appliances. He has said this many times. Each time, when I ask, `When?’ he says something like, `I’m really busy at work right now’ or `I love you, but I wonder if we should wait until next spring’ or `I need to have my grandmother’s ring reset for you, and I just haven’t had time.’ So, I went ahead and bought that new dishwasher and stove, and guess what? Still no engagement ring.
“Even as the appliances were being delivered, he asked me to please rethink wasting all that money! He has even suggested we start looking at real estate together, although he knows I won’t buy the condo until he buys the cow.
“I know it’s easy to look at the situation and say, `Just leave him!’ but I fear my options are running out, and the thought of starting all over again with someone new leaves me miserable. I know I deserve better; I just don’t know how to end this. One of these days, I have to let him go for good. I have lost all hope that he will ever commit to me, or anyone else for that matter.”
Celeste: “Ken and I are both 38 and have been dating for 18 months. During that time, we’ve had great times with both our families, gone on a camping trip, traveled to many places and really bonded as a couple.
“When I first asked where this was heading, his response was, `That’s too much of a pressure statement.’ OK, it had only been nine months at the time. I never told him how I felt about him because I didn’t want to pressure him.
“A few weeks ago, I again asked him where we were going, because I was very frustrated, which was making me resentful. He said we’re `just dating.’ I about fell over. I told him that I’ve been holding my tongue about how I felt about him but I needed to know how long he thought we were going to continue to date. Five years? 10? 15? Would he rather us just be friends — without benefits? He said I needed to be patient.
“Now that it’s the holidays, we’re spending a lot of time with family and friends and alone. It’s tough, but I’m keeping him at arm’s length. His brother lives with his girlfriend and offers no commitment other than `I love you.’ I don’t want to end up like her, wanting the next step and not knowing when I’ll get it, if at all. I’ve set my boundaries. I’ll leave after a year and a half if he doesn’t share the same relationship goals as me.”
———-
E-mail your relationship problems and tales to cheryllavin@aol.com. All names are changed. Letters may be used in whole or in part and become the property of the column. Letters cannot be considered without name, address and day and evening phone numbers.
