TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Where does Derrek Lee’s injury rank on the all-time list of Cub bummers?
Jimmy Greenfield: Well, this was an awful, season-destroying injury. So No. 472.
Phillip Thompson: Right next to Greg Maddux’s career-ending groin pull on July 27. Oops, didn’t mean to let that out.
Leo Ebersole: It’s right up there with the day WGN decided to go with Chip Caray and Joe Carter in the booth.
Evil Super Computer: There were others? Damn it, Leo must have erased my memory.
Bag Boy: Below that one Mark Prior injury that one year but ahead of that other injury that other year.
TOPIC 2: Use one word to describe the five Sox starting pitchers so far.
Jimmy Greenfield: Princely, and yes, I did consult a thesaurus.
Phillip Thompson: “ThreemorethantheCubshave.” What? It counts.
Leo Ebersole: “Cy-rific.”
Evil Super Computer: “Robotic.” Almost too much so, you say? ROBOT PITCHERS, MARCH!
Bag Boy: Reminds me of last fall so I’ll say “Series-esque.”
TOPIC 3: What’s the secret of all these major-league pitchers over 40?
Jimmy Greenfield: Same secret of all 40-year-old athletes: Geritol and hookers.
Phillip Thompson: They skipped the steroids and got the good stuff: Viagra.
Leo Ebersole: Spray tans and Propecia. … Oh, the secret to their pitching? Limb harvesting.
Evil Super Computer: Older models value maintenance. Phil, get the WD-40 and do my hinges. DO IT!
Bag Boy: Oil of Olay. Little smudge, just under the bill of the cap.
TOPIC 4: Pop quiz: You’re the Bears GM this week. What do you do? WHAT DO YOU DO?
Jimmy Greenfield: I go to Halas Hall, take the Super Bowl XX Lombardi trophy, then resign.
Phillip Thompson: A) I don’t trade Thomas Jones. B) I throw myself into Lake Michigan. C) All of the above.
Leo Ebersole: Trade the pick! It’s too high! IT’S TOO HIGH!
Evil Super Computer: You imply humans make NFL draft picks. Who’s being naive now, folks?
Bag Boy: Focus on important stuff like fighting to get Soldier Field’s historic landmark status back.
TOPIC 5: Score anything cool at the Cubs’ garage sale?
Jimmy Greenfield: Did you say ‘score’? I knew it! The question guy is a narc!
Phillip Thompson: Just a box of Dusty Baker’s famous toothpicks. Pre-moistened, unfortunately.
Leo Ebersole: My very own fractured distal radial bone.
Evil Super Computer: Cubs had a garage sale? How did I forget about–OK LEO, KNOCK IT OFF!
Bag Boy: Nope. Thought I had a great deal on the Harry Caray statue but it was cash and carry. Oof!
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E-mail the crew at redeyesports@tribune.com.
