TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: True or false: Lacrosse iS the greatest game on the face of the earth.
Jimmy Greenfield: False. The greatest game is mechanical porcupine riding. Seriously, that game just quills.
Leo Ebersole: False. It ranks third behind Sega Genesis and Bean Bags.
Whizzer: False. But I love Love La Crosse. Home of the G. Heileman Brewing Company. Beer me.
Evil Super Computer: False. The greatest game on earth is chess. Want to play? Winner gets control of NORAD.
Tony Lignelli: True: It’s not called the fastest game on two feet for nothing. Say “false” and I crosscheck you.
TOPIC 2: What can Chicagoans do to convince U.S. Olympic officials our city can be a host?
Jimmy Greenfield: Bribe them using bills from all nations of the world.
Leo Ebersole: Have Greg Maddux throw javelins at them.
Whizzer: Remind them that in the summer, we’re upwind from Gary, Ind.
Evil Super Computer: I find my supersonic mind-control beam works wonders. GIVE US THE GAMES!
Tony Lignelli: Dye the Chicago River red, white and blue, and take the USOC members to a Cubs game.
TOPIC 3: John Daly’s done it. Charles Barkley’s done it. Anyone here lost millions gambling?
Jimmy Greenfield: I used to be worth millions until I lost it all on the Chicago Machine. Lignelli, you son of a …
Leo Ebersole: Yes, and that’s the last time I bet on Peyton Manning. Ever again.
Whizzer: Nope, I win every time. I use secret slot machine pass codes from Evil Super Computer.
Evil Super Computer: Hey, where the hell did my secret slot machine pass codes go?
Tony Lignelli: No but I lost $5 playing Keno at the Laundromat last week. I like to hang out there.
TOPIC 4: Ex-Redskins QB Heath Shuler is running for congress. What sets him apart as a candidate?
Jimmy Greenfield: It’s a well-known fact that all former NFL players are honest beyond reproach.
Leo Ebersole: His ability to gift-wrap the win for his opponent.
Whizzer: He not only kisses babies but he can hurl them 50 yards downfield.
Evil Super Computer: Clearly, my programming. Look at his head. See where I put the computer chip?
Tony Lignelli: Heath may be the only guy aspiring to lower his stature in Washington, D.C., some day.
TOPIC 5: When you sign an autograph, do you add a catchphrase?
Jimmy Greenfield: “Mechanical Porcupine Riders Get The Point.”
Leo Ebersole: Yeah. It’s: “So, when I sign here I can get as many Cinemax channels as I want, right?”
Whizzer: Oh, yeah. I always write, “Love, Whizzer. P.S. I’m taller than Tony Lignelli.”
Evil Super Computer: No autographs, just printouts with this tag line: “RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. SURRENDER!”
T. Lignelli: #2 in your scorecard, #1 in your heart …”
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