Your article [“How to: Say No to Your Child,” June 18] really hit home with me. I’m a school social worker in two Catholic elementary schools and have been observing and dealing with this parental fear of saying no for years. My “theory” is that it is largely based on parental guilt–mothers and fathers afraid to say no because they feel guilty about not spending enough time with their kids, about working most daytime hours, about being divorced, about wanting to be a buddy, etc.
The schools and teachers are now given the responsibility of civilizing or socializing children with basics such as manners and dealing with conflicts. I am in the classrooms regularly talking about being respectful, conflict resolution, talk it out, not fight it out and sexual harassment behaviors because parents don’t talk about these things or give the kids the boundaries they should.
If you feel confident as a parent that you are doing the best job you can and that you are there to impart the values you believe are important, then you will be able to say no or set the rules and boundaries that kids need. Many parents wait for the schools to be the disciplinarians so they don’t have to be “the bad guys” who follow through with the rules. Sad, especially since the parents are often also the ones to be the most critical of the teachers for enforcing guidelines with their children.
I’m not sure I see an end to this spiral of parental responsibility. And I’m not sure a book on the subject can impact the generational phenomena. I counsel parents all the time and try to make them aware of who is the adult in the home and the role they play with that.
