TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: The Wave is so 1980s. Invent a new stadium event for Cubs fans.
Jimmy Greenfield: The Exhale. Everybody just take a deep breath. Of course, this only works if you suck.
Phillip Thompson: The Squirm. Uneasy Cubs fans start it on Opening Day, and it lasts, oh, about forever.
Leo Ebersole: C’mon, get with the times. There’s this awesome new song where you spell out “YMCA.”
Mike North: Staying sober.
Bag Boy: Introduce yourself to the fan to your right, then examine them for a torn labrum.
TOPIC 2: If a Chicagoan spots a Yankees fan on the street, what should they do?
Jimmy Greenfield: Hand him a RedEye and tell him to enjoy it on the next bus out of town. Do I stutter?
Phillip Thompson: Don’t feed it, just quietly observe as it performs its mating call, the “boo.”
Leo Ebersole: Communicate with him in a language he’ll understand: “Booooo! *HOCK!* Booooo!”
Mike North: If you’re a Sox fan, talk about last year. If you’re a Cubs fan, talk about 1908.
Bag Boy: Always, always, always stay upwind.
TOPIC 3: Why is Matt Leinart the last remaining unsigned first-round pick?
Jimmy Greenfield: He’s zeroing in on a way to reverse time and then enter the 2005 NFL draft.
Phillip Thompson: His arm is too weak to sign the contract. That’s right, I said it, pretty boy.
Leo Ebersole: The Cardinals want to stay healthy in camp and, well, Matt is friends with Paris Hilton.
Mike North: Because he figured out USC is better than the Cardinals.
Bag Boy: Fly up to Vegas, see a show, relax. Why rush the train wreck that’ll be your journeyman pro career?
TOPIC 4: Is there any hope the Bears’ passing game has improved?
Jimmy Greenfield: Absolutely. That’s why fate has struck down all their running backs.
Phillip Thompson: Sure, but they have to sprinkle fairy dust on the ball and click their heels three times.
Leo Ebersole: Yes, provided the snaps come from under the center and not from Rex Grossman’s ligaments.
Mike North: There’s always hope, but it’s probably false hope.
Bag Boy: Like Lollapalooza, it was here for a while before it packed up and left town.
TOPIC 5: Quickly predict the plot for the sixth installment of ‘Rocky.’
Jimmy Greenfield: Rocky produces a Hollywood film about his life story. It goes straight to video.
Phillip Thompson: Rocky faces his greatest test as he tries to party with Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen twins.
Leo Ebersole: Rocky spends 90 minutes wondering why IHOP changed its menu.
Mike North: He should fight Rambo. And, of course, Stallone plays both parts.
Bag Boy: Rocky finds girl, Rocky loses girl, Rocky finds girl again, girl knocks Rocky out in the third round.
