TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: You’re on a plane. There are snakes. Which athlete do you call first for help and why?
Phillip Thompson: Reptiles don’t bother Brian Urlacher. After all, he did date Paris Hilton.
Leo Ebersole: Felipe Alou. If he can charm Barry Bonds …
Brian Moore: Terrell Owens, since he’s a snake too.
Adam Caldarelli: Jake “The Snake” Plummer can talk some sense into losers who are fascinated with this movie.
Bag Boy: Remember that minor-league manager who threw the tantrum on video? Him. He’s fearless.
TOPIC 2: Why would anyone stay up and watch an 18-inning Cubs game?
Phillip Thompson: Any prolonged exercise is good for you, even if it’s an exercise in futility.
Leo Ebersole: Because watching the bullpen empty is like watching the credits roll after a great comedy.
Brian Moore: Why would anyone watch the Cubs at all?
Adam Caldarelli: Someone stayed up?
Bag Boy: Because falling asleep in the Cubs’ dugout is a Bozo no-no.
TOPIC 3: Give us one clever heckle to be used at the PGA Championship.
Phillip Thompson: “You didn’t just get beat on that hole, you got Goosened!”
Leo Ebersole: “Hey Mickelson! You lay up like [insert Charlotte Bobcats bench player here].”
Brian Moore: “Hey Vijay, Singh this one: Na-na-na-na, hey-hey-hey, goodbye.”
Adam Caldarelli: “Hey, Phil, nice C cups!”
Bag Boy: “Phil, you golf like a girl!” And that’s for Phil Thompson, not Phil Mickelson.
TOPIC 4: Add a new feature onto the new $1 billion Yankee Stadium.
Phillip Thompson: Well it is New York, so they should have basement-level club seats for the 3-foot rats.
Leo Ebersole: The Kids Zone, where youngsters can hit off a tee, run the bases and spit on Boston fans.
Brian Moore: Ejection seats in the dugout so George Steinbrenner can more easily get rid of his scapegoats.
Adam Caldarelli: Each seat is equipped with a “Boo A-Rod” button.
Bag Boy: Sox have an exploding scoreboard. For every Yankee homer, the stadium toilets explode.
TOPIC 5: The Bears’ Thomas Jones practiced Wednesday. What does this mean?
Phillip Thompson: It delays Cedric Benson’s downfall. He’s got a spot next to Curtis Enis in my Bears Hall of Busts.
Leo Ebersole: Your starting backfield by Week 4: Griese and Jones.
Brian Moore: It’s just like last season: Cedric’s nowhere to be found, so Jones is the man.
Adam Caldarelli: “Practice. V. To perform an act repeatedly in order to acquire a skill.” Oh, you meant Wednesday?
Bag Boy: He’s ahead of schedule for the next injury.
