TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: Joe Girardi could be to the Cubs what …
Jimmy Greenfield: … Joe Girardi was to the Marlins. Fired after one year.
Phillip Thompson: … what Jimmy is to soap. Allergic.
Leo Ebersole: … a muzzle could be to Paris Hilton.
Bag Boy: … dogs are to people. In total control.
Mike North: … he was to the Marlins–under .500.
TOPIC 2: How did you feel about Frank Thomas’ homers?
Jimmy Greenfield: Didn’t notice. I always spend my Tuesdays partaking in bourbon and hookers.
Phillip Thompson: I felt a sudden surge of pain as Ken Williams’ TV was bricked to death.
Leo Ebersole: Hollywood couldn’t have scripted it any better. And by that I mean they both felt forced and cliched.
Bag Boy: No ill feelings, as long as my invitation to the afterparty stands.
Mike North: Good for him.
TOPIC 3: With Andy MacPhail gone, what’s the most fitting sports name in Chicago?
Jimmy Greenfield: Walter Payton. Best there ever was, best there ever will be. On and off the field.
Phillip Thompson: Bernard Berrian. Like BEARian? And let’s hope “Grossman” doesn’t describe Rex’s eating habits.
Leo Ebersole: Blackhawks coach Trent Yawney.
Bag Boy: Kerry Wood, because he brings the lumber!
Mike North: Lovie Smith. Lovin’ the Bears.
TOPIC 4: Rome may compete with Chicago for the 2016 Olympics. How are we better?
Jimmy Greenfield: Contrary to Rome, Chicago was built in exactly one day.
Phillip Thompson: We have the 2005 World Series champs. Their last significant victory? The Carthaginians.
Leo Ebersole: They thought feeding people to the lions was sport. We beat the Lions by 27.
Bag Boy: Better cuisine. I mean, what do they know about pizza?
Mike North: We’re better in every way. Even our Italian food is better.
TOPIC 5: How do you beat a 7-foot boxer nicknamed ‘The Russian Giant’?
Jimmy Greenfield: Make him talk to Phil, then when he inevitably starts to nod off … WHAM!
Phillip Thompson: If we’re playing basketball, I get a running start and yell, “DasviDUNKya!”
Leo Ebersole: You rip off your shirt and feed off the energy from the Hulkamaniacs.
Bag Boy: A series of dodging maneuvers I call “Nothin’ but Nyet!”
Mike North: Kick him in the knee.
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redeyesports@tribune.com
