TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: What song best describes the Bears?
Jimmy Greenfield: “Superman” by R.E.M.
Phillip Thompson: For some reason, Leo wants me to say “YMCA.”
Leo Ebersole: Probably “Maneater.” That right, it’s a Nelly Furtado song. And I’m OK with that.
Whizzer: “It’s Goin’ Down,” by Yung Joc. I’m down with the hippity-hoppity.
Bag Boy: Rex Grossman, quarterback? No. Rex Grossman, “SexyBack”? Heck yeah!
TOPIC 2: Where can the Bears improve?
Jimmy Greenfield: On the sidelines. For crying out loud, get some cheerleaders.
Phillip Thompson: The short passing game. Why not prolong the agony?
Leo Ebersole: The Gatorade-dumping has been substandard at best. What do they think practice is for?
Whizzer: Follow the Vikings’ lead, and make a classic uniform hideous.
Bag Boy: Bag Boy, fifth-string special teamer. Hear me out …
TOPIC 3: What sports equipment change would you make?
Jimmy Greenfield: I’d merge the sports bra with the floppy hat.
Phillip Thompson: Coach-speak filters on all pregame and postgame microphones.
Leo Ebersole: Make playoff teams use a softball pitcher to throw to A-Rod–after reading him a nursery rhyme.
Whizzer: Jumper cables hooked to all athletic cups.
Call it the T.O.-nator.
Bag Boy: Groucho Marx face masks for disguised blitzes.
TOPIC 4: Market NIU’s Garrett Wolfe to the NFL.
Jimmy Greenfield: Hey NFL guys, want a 5-7 back who hasn’t played any good teams? No? OK, later.
Phillip Thompson: You can do a reality show on his rookie year. Call it “Team Wolfe,” with Michael J. Fox as the host.
Leo Ebersole: He’s explosive, tough and, in an emergency, could be a pregame meal for a defensive tackle.
Whizzer: How can you go wrong with a Wolfe? Cat lovers.
Bag Boy: He’s the best running back from this area since Darnell Autry! Um, let me try that again …
TOPIC 5: What team is overrated?
Jimmy Greenfield: The Bears. Because they’re being compared to the ’85 team. Just stop that right now.
Phillip Thompson: The Yankees. They’re also overpaid, overexposed and just plain over.
Leo Ebersole: The Notre Dame Fighting Dandelions–er, Irish.
Whizzer: The Rockettes. They’ve haven’t been the same since ’79.
Bag Boy: I’m not very fond of the Power Rangers.
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