I play in more fantasy leagues than any reasonable man should admit, and I was overwhelmed this NFL weekend by a heartbreaking statistic: bench points.
A touchdown here and there is to be expected, but double-digit days from players you didn’t start just makes you want to throw a brick at your monitor.
On Sunday it was an epidemic.
A friend and rival of mine, for example left Seattle’s Seneca Wallace (20 points by our system) on the bench. Of course, he absolutely had to start Donovan McNabb. McNasty put up the goose egg in our league.
Another hard-luck case. An owner in a different league will never get back those wasted points from DeShaun Foster and Ahman Green, but how crazy would he have looked sitting Brian Westbrook?
I also fell prey to this points plague in the RedEye Celebrity Fantasy Football League, but I don’t walk to talk about it–or even hear the name Marques Colston.
Too soon.
But I’m sure one RCFFL rivals will bring it up.
Fantasy Phil: GQ, Nick Buoniconti and the ’72 Dolphins are popping the cork. You’re no longer undefeated. Was there anything you could have done?
Soxman: The Great GQ didn’t show much of an IQ by sitting Ahman Green (101 yards and 2 TDs) in favor of an RB on his bye week! Welcome to the loss column, brother! All hail, Trey “the Giant Killer!” Years from now, rhymes will be dropped about your tale.
Glenn Jeffers, Tribune’s At-Play: Sometimes a rough week is a rough week. LT and LJ had monster games. Meanwhile, I had an easy week facing the 49ers…I mean…Skates.
Phil: Yeah, Soxman, we much prefer your strategy of trading away your top talent. Isn’t that right, Glenn?
GQ, actor: OK. No excuse for not switching out my BYE-er. Everybody sleeps sometimes. Even the greats.
Soxman: Every player I traded away (Reggie Wayne, Thomas Jones, Terrell Owens) had weeks better than any of my starters. Seal the deal on the season, GQ–join the Soxside and trade with me now!
Glenn: Yeah, Soxman … thanks for the trade, man.
Phil: See what I mean about Soxy? Points on his roster are like money burning a hole in his pocket. Thank you, too, for T.O., Soxman. I have my eyes on Torry Holt next if you’re in the market for a year-old box of Mentos.
GQ: Soxman, when you play poker, do you play every hand???? Sometimes, the best players will sit with what they have, even leave the table for a while. … You shouldn’t move your team around so much, otherwise they’ll never “learn to play together.” Oh, yeah, and, of course, always switch out your BYES.
Soxman: Glenn, you can thank me later by trading me Willie Parker. Remember the motto, Phil: “Win or Die Trading!”
Glenn: I think I’ll keep Parker. I just feel bad for Phil. It made sense to bench Colston against Baltimore. But man, 163 yards and 2 touches. That hurts. Hindsight, it’s the bane of fantasy football, ain’t it?
GQ: OK, I expected a little more crap from the peanut gallery …
Phil: Glenn, is your whole purpose in life to 1) torment me and 2) lose to me? I thought I made the right call on Colston, but you never know which Saint will go off. This is all pointless, though. I would have needed my entire bench to beat the Hot Boyz’ deadly combo of “LaDainian and the Bears” (new this fall, starring GQ as “towel boy”).
GQ: Yeah! I booked another gig!
Glenn: I’m just having fun, Phil. My only two wins come off of Skates, and I’ll be playing GQ next week after a loss. Remember that 49ers crack from the beginning. That’s me in six days. Just call me Alex Smith.
Soxman: Poor Skates … he’s the only one who didn’t benefit from trading with me yet. Will he ever get a win?
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plthompson@tribune.com
