Adam Caldarelli is probably chicagosports.com’s greatest athlete, but don’t hold us to that. Be a Fiver for a day, visit redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TODAY’S QUESTIONS
TOPIC 1: DOES WINNING A COUCH POTATO COMPETITION MAKE YOU AN ATHLETE?
Jimmy’s EmptyChair: What does the poor couch get out of all this? YOU EVER ASK YOURSELF THAT?
Phillip Thompson: It does, and Bobby Jenks just became the greatest two-sport athlete since Deion Sanders.
Leo Ebersole: Not until “The World Series of Laziness” debuts on ESPN2.
Adam Caldarelli: Depends on the couch.
Bag Boy: Well done, you just found the only sport Leo is better at than me.
TOPIC 2: WHAT’S A POTENTIAL PITFALL OF A COACH HIRING HIS SON-IN-LAW?
Jimmy’s EmptyChair: As a chair, you can FEEL thetension at family dinners. Youdo know we talk afterward.
Phillip Thompson: Telling coach you’re going to go home, “celebrate” a win, have a Red Bull, then “celebrate” more.
Leo Ebersole: He’ll come to you to borrow money instead of hitting up sponsors and boosters. So annoying.
Adam Caldarelli: Having to fire him the same week his wife files for divorce.
Bag Boy: Having to give the guy who cut you a Christmas gift.
TOPIC 3: WHAT SOX SECRETS CAN NEAL COTTS PASS ON TO THE CUBS?
Jimmy’s EmptyChair: He can tell them what theatmosphere’s like in the Cell’s upper deck.
Phillip Thompson: He can tell Lou how Ozzie makes a player’s head explode just by looking at him.
Leo Ebersole: When Ozzie’s flashing you a single finger from the dugout, it’s not a “steal” sign.
Adam Caldarelli: For starters, how to win.
Bag Boy: He can tell the Cubs pitchers how the Sox always hit them so easily.
TOPIC 4: SUGAR IS A BAD WORD NOWADAYS. COME UP WITH A NEW NAME FOR THE SUGAR BOWL.
Jimmy’s EmptyChair: The Trans Fat Bowl. Jimmy is a big fan of the trans.
Phillip Thompson: The Splenda Bowl. Muchcatchier than the Tri-chlorinated Sucrose Bowl.
Leo Ebersole: The Soy Bowl. (Ugh.)
Adam Caldarelli: The Allstate NoOneGivesaCrap Bowl.
Bag Boy: The Sugar Honey Iced Tea Bowl.
TOPIC 5: HOW WOULD YOU PROPOSE AFTER WINNING A BALL GAME?
Jimmy’s EmptyChair: I’d promise to love and chairish her.
Phillip Thompson: I’d get a ring with a huge diamond in the shape of a football. Then I’d ask what she’d like.
Leo Ebersole: “It’s my ring in a box, giiiiiiirl.”
Adam Caldarelli: I don’t know, but Boise wouldn’t factor into the equation.
Bag Boy: After a silly college game? Never. It’s the Super Bowl or nothing–and only if the Bears win, baby!
