Dear Amy: I have been married for two years, and this is a second marriage for both of us. We are in our late 40s, and our children are grown.
At the beginning of our relationship we had a good sex life, but it has dwindled away.
If I suggest that we have sex, my husband is an eager participant. He has no physical problems. If I don’t initiate sex, it rarely happens. If we haven’t had sex for a couple of weeks, my husband starts making comments about the lack of sex, but he never makes them when we can do something about it!
I have repeatedly told him that if he is interested, all he has to do is speak up. He acts as if it is my job to anticipate his needs, and I am tired of this role. I have told him, but nothing changes. I believe that he wants more sex, but I am starting to think I might be wrong.
I want him to be happy. What do you think?
— Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: In healthy, functioning sexual relationships, the ability to discuss what is going on in a way that is respectful, appropriate and productive gets results.
Because your sexual dynamic seems to have changed, you should try to find out what’s really going on. Your husband might be having a crisis of confidence. Encouraging him or initiating sex doesn’t necessarily mean that it has become your job to anticipate his needs — it might mean simply that he has become passive as a way to test your relationship and your desires. He might have the beginnings of — or the fear of — impotence, and he hasn’t told you. He should get a medical checkup.
For fun and to try to mix this up a little, you two might develop a verbal or visual cue that is more subtle than simply asking for sex. For instance, when one of you mentions Vice President Richard Cheney, that’s your code.
Dear Amy: We just returned from my father’s birthday celebration. We had the party at a restaurant. Most of my siblings and several of my dad’s friends were in attendance. It was a terrific celebration and we enjoyed ourselves — until we got the restaurant bill.
After the tab was divided, my share of the bill included the alcoholic drinks for my siblings’ adult children (employed and well into their 30s). Not once did any of my siblings’ children offer to pay for their drinks, as most were inebriated by the time the party ended.
My spouse and I have a younger child and we chose not to drink.
Is it appropriate for me to approach my siblings and their children and request for them to pay for their drinks?
— Birthday Bill Blues
Dear Birthday Blues: Presumably, the dinner check was divided equally among all of the bill-paying adults, so some of this expense was absorbed by the other people in your party. The time to discuss and settle this would have been either before the event or out in the parking lot after dinner, and out of your father’s earshot.
I can understand your concern at being expected to pay for other people to get toasted when you didn’t imbibe. Like you, I wonder why grown men and women don’t pitch in at least to cover their own bar tab, instead letting their parents and aunts and uncles take care of it.
I’d like to think that when these people sober up, they’ll realize that they owe you. In the meantime, remember what a nice time you all had, and please don’t let this spoil it.
Dear Amy: I just received yet another invitation to a “party” to which I am supposed to bring food and drink. I have noticed that over the years this “potluck” trend is increasing.
I think potlucks are fine for impoverished grad students or committee meetings, but it seems to me that two employed adults who own their home should not expect their guests to provide refreshments for themselves.
If the excuse is that both are working and have no time to prepare, I would argue that the same is true for their guests.
If cash is short, a big pot of soup and some crusty bread make fine fare. My understanding is that hospitality means sharing what you have with your friends, not asking them to pay for your “party.”
I have taken to simply declining without explanation invitations that require me to provide refreshments as price of admission. I am wondering if I am the only person who is fed up with this whole thing.
— Tired Of Cooking
Dear Tired: I have also noticed an increase in potlucking and agree with you that, depending on the event, bringing your own food and drink to a dinner party hardly seems like hospitality.
Now that you’ve thrown down the cassoulet, let’s see how others respond.
———-
Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous columns are available at chicagotribune.com/amy.
