We hope you’re over your Oscar hangover. For Jimmy, it’s a change of pace in terms of hangovers. Join the crew by signing up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: TERRELL OWENS NEEDS SURGERY ON HIS RING FINGER. YOUR THOUGHTS?
Jimmy Greenfield: Sorry, my Terrell Owens boycott still has 97 years remaining.
Phillip Thompson: He’s having a Super Bowl ring surgically attached. Unfortunately the finger will reject it.
Leo Ebersole: Why? It’s not like he’ll ever be wearing a ring on it.
Brian Moore: His “pull my finger” jokes finally backfired.
Bag Boy: You sure it you’re talking about the right finger?
TOPIC 2: WHAT DID PLAYING AGAIN IN DETROIT MEAN TO BEN WALLACE?
Jimmy Greenfield: Do I look like Ben Wallace?
Phillip Thompson: That he would have to take lots of shots. I don’t mean baskets, I mean rabies shots.
Leo Ebersole: A chance for old Detroit fans to reconnect. With metal chairs.
Brian Moore: A chance to show the Pistons how much they miss him. Nice try Benny.
Bag Boy: Same as when he was there: Detroit wins.
TOPIC 3: HOW IS 41-YEAR-OLD PITCHER ORLANDO HERNANDEZ STICKING AROUND?
Jimmy Greenfield: Bourbon and hookers and formaldehyde.
Phillip Thompson: If the Sox believe you’re washed up, you’re pretty much assured another two or three good seasons.
Leo Ebersole: His arm is made of a composite of SuperBalls and cigar wrappers.
Brian Moore: Does it matter? He’s 41 and pitching. The Cubs can’t even get 26-year-old “ace” Mark Prior on the mound.
Bag Boy: Most pitchers use pine tar on the ball; El Duque uses it on his joints.
TOPIC 4: WHAT TEAM COULD USE 41-YEAR-OLD SCOTTIE PIPPEN?
Jimmy Greenfield: A team that wants to win by a nose.
Phillip Thompson: The Washington Generals.
Leo Ebersole: Miami. He’s the missing piece of the puzzle in their bid to build the All-’90s team.
Brian Moore: The Pacers could use a veteran baby-sitter, I mean player, to keep their young punks in line.
Bag Boy: Chicago. The younger Bulls can’t seem to stay healthy, so why not?
TOPIC 5: WHICH SPORTS FIGURE WAS SNUBBED AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS?
Jimmy Greenfield: Babe Didrikson Zaharias. Because I just don’t understand the question.
Phillip Thompson: Pacman Jones trying to get back $81K from strippers. I almost believed he could be that dumb.
Leo Ebersole: For as much as he’s emoted (read: whined) the past two seasons, Bill Parcells deserved best actress.
Brian Moore: Rex Grossman for his stirring yet agonizingly underachieving performance of a young NFL QB.
Bag Boy: Ryan Dempster for his tragic performance in “Closer.”
