A few regulars on this panel are taking some much-needed time off so we asked a few irregulars–Sox Hand and Cubs Hand–to report for duty. Want to appear here?
TOPIC 1: WHY AREN’T ANY OF YOU IN ARIZONA FOR SPRING TRAINING?
Jimmy Greenfield: I don’t leave until March 3.Wait, what day is it? DAMMIT!
Leo Ebersole: I tested positive for honey chipotle glaze.
Bag Boy: A little something I call “incredibly horrible tan lines.”
Sox Hand: Fan hands don’t have to report to camp until March 15.
Cubs Hand: I have developed a very distinct fear of hot tubs.
TOPIC 2: MARK PRIOR AND KERRY WOOD PLAN TO PITCH IN THE SAME GAME MONDAY. PREDICTIONS?
Jimmy Greenfield: They’ll pitch great, confuse us all, then wake up injured on Tuesday.
Leo Ebersole: Miffed by the strike zone, Wood detaches his arm and bludgeons the umpire.
Bag Boy: The Cubs prove once and for all that the two men combined make one good pitcher.
Sox Hand: Huh. I was not aware that either player was still involved in organized baseball.
Cubs Hand: Lay off already. It’s the Cubs’ year. I can feel it. Or is that the booze talking?
TOPIC 3: TWO ILLINI FOOTBALL PLAYERS ARRESTED THIS WEEKEND MEANS …
Jimmy Greenfield: . . . there’s a Bengals scout nearby writing a glowing report.
Leo Ebersole: . . . the Illini may have more in common with Ohio State than we thought.
Bag Boy: . . . Illinois’ program has finally made the big time.
Sox Hand: . . . the reputations of four fine hands are once again besmirched.
Cubs Hand: . . . the local police become the latest in a long line of teams to shut down Illinois’ offense.
TOPIC 4: WHAT DOES THE RECENTLY RETIRED JAKE PLUMMER DO NEXT?
Jimmy Greenfield: Become the 18th retired QB who’s better than Rex Grossman right now.
Leo Ebersole: Lead the Boca Raton All-Stars to a first-round playoff loss.
Bag Boy: If I know my Jake, he’ll second- guess himself and throw late across the middle again.
Sox Hand: Thanks to the National Wildlife Federation, he and his beard will be set free in the woods.
Cubs Hand: Can he play center field?
TOPIC 5: DO THE CUBS AND SOX HANDS END THEIR BITTER FIGHT AND BECOME FRIENDS IN 2007?
Jimmy Greenfield: They’ll agree on all their problems until they realize neither of them is right.
Leo Ebersole: Yes, but not until they meet Cardinals Toe.
Bag Boy: Yes, only to battle again when each reveals on “Jerry Springer” that they’re dating the same foot.
Sox Hand: Only if Cubs Hand here apologizes for calling me “Sox Turd.”
Cubs Hand: I’d like to take this opportunity and publicly apologize to theSox Turd here.
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