The head’s the same, but no, that’s not Jimmy Greenfield. Scott Kleinberg fills in for Jimmy, who’s researching how long one fan can stay glued to the couch.
Scott Kleinberg
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Brian Moore
Whizzer
TOPIC 1: HOW DID THE BULLS SWEEP THE HEAT?
Same way my Pirates swept Houston twice this season — 98 percent luck, 2 percent skill.
Shaq and Zo’s tree-stump defense didn’t work. I know, shocked me too.
Team play, intensity and subtle hints to Dwyane Wade about the money he’d make filming ads.
Shaq is old; Wade is hurting. And that’s all they’ve got.
A healthy dose of the popular new drug, Luol.
TOPIC 2: DO YOU WANT TO TAKE BACK ANYTHING YOU SAID ABOUT THE BULLS?
What I said in No. 1, no, but the sweep was impressive.
I’ll wait until they prove me wrong about the Pistons too. I like to eat my words all at once.
I’ll never again doubt Andres Nocioni. Unless he grows cornrows.
I said they’re average. They’re still average until they can beat one of the West’s top teams.
Skilesy! Baby! I was with you all along. It was the media!
TOPIC 3: WHAT IS SHAQ GOING TO DO NOW?
Hopefully nothing that involves acting or singing.
Start a new league, the American Association of Roundball Professionals, or AARP.
Miss 15-foot putts instead of free-throws.
Go home and shut up already. And retire, too, while you’re at it.
Take Dwyane Wade out of his Five.
TOPIC 4: RANDY MOSS PLAYING FOR THE PATRIOTS IS LIKE …
… Peyton Manning playing for the Steelers.
… Terrell Owens getting into heaven. Someone’s asleep at the gate.
… Paris Hilton marrying into an Amish family.
… Barry Bonds breaking Hank Aaron’s record. It’s sick and twisted.
… Sanjaya Malakar performing at Lollapalooza. This will not end well.
TOPIC 5: HOW WELL DID THE BEARS DO THIS WEEKEND?
You heard it here first. … They’re starting next season 0-3.
They had fun, but they didn’t bring home any diseases, i.e., Randy Moss.
Better than Madden predicted, but in realilty they passed on
6-foot-8 stud RB Leo Ebersole.
Great. They didn’t trade crybaby Briggs, and they ripped off the Chargers for, like, 16 picks.
A respectable team never drafts and tells.
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