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Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Scott Kleinberg
Bag Boy
TOPIC 1: YOU’RE IN A DARK ALLEY WITH LOU PINIELLA. QUICK! WHAT DO YOU DO?
Beg him to resign and get on with his life.
I keep raw steak in my pocket for just such an occasion.
I instruct my hat to curl into the fetal position until the beating ends.
Walk up to him with confidence and kick a bunch of trash all over his feet.
That’s just like the nightmare I had when I was trapped between Lou and Lee Elia!
TOPIC 2: what would happen if piniella and ozzie guillen switched teams?
AL umpires would get dirtier shoes and Ozzie would go insane.
The Sox bullpen would be whipped into shape–literally. Actually, ditto the Cubs bullpen.
Nothing different. Well, maybe the strait jackets would have to be re-sized.
Besides each getting to ride the Red Line to a different stop, absolutely nothing.
Switching back and forth creates a vortex, not unlike a toilet flush, not unlike their seasons.
TOPIC 3: HOW WOULD YOU PATCH THINGS UP BETWEEN CARLOS ZAMBRANO AND MICHAEL BARRETT?
Have them spend a week together at Ask Amy’s School for Wayward Ballplayers.
Looking at the damage, I think Michael’s the only one who needs “patching up.”
I’d bring in Rasheed Wallace to mediate. He tends to have a calming effect.
First, they both need to get to a Hallmark store and fast. Then …
They take turns punching A.J. Pierzynski. Whoever knocks him out first gets the apology.
TOPIC 4: CAVS STAR DANIEL GIBSON GOES BY “BOOBIE.” IS THERE A BETTER NICKNAME IN SPORTS?
My favorite is Mark “Stealing Money From The Cubs” Prior.
Not now or ever. You know the saying: “Y’all wanna win? Put Boobie in.”
Ex-NASCAR racer Dick “No Nickname Necessary” Trickle.
Bernie “Boom Boom” Geoffrion. Something to do with hockey, which no one cares about.
Coco Crisp. Besides being a fine baseball player, it’s the only dish I know how to make.
TOPIC 5: WHY HAD NORTHWESTERN BEEN SO DOMINANT IN SOFTBALL?
According to legend, they sold their souls to Leo Ebersole.
Once they sued the football and basketball teams to use the word “softball,” it was smooth sailing.
Because the only thing more devastating than Eileen Canney’s fastball is a whiff of Jimmy’s gym bag.
They are inspired by the Cubs to be better, stronger and fight less.
Because I had never noticed them before. Then I rooted for them on Sunday … and then they lost.
