Cops hauled celebrities off to jail, blockbuster three-quels kept moviegoers spellbound, Britney Spears melted down again and Nine Lines columnist Leo Ebersole was … nowhere to be found. The lesson: Never trust a guy who works for a commission of Cool Ranch Doritos. But he’s back, and he had a few things scrawled in a notebook, so RedEye figured we’d let him try to make up for lost time.
1. A new path
Great to be back, everybody. Like Paris Hilton, I’ve had some time away to reevaluate my life. And like Paris, I’m ready to embrace religion as soon as my personal assistant tells me which one lets you wear the cutest shoes.
2. Robots in disguise
Of course, the biggest story of the summer involved an epic, big-screen struggle between emotionally detached robots. But enough about Paris’ interview with Larry King.
3. Crisis averted
I’m told the White House briefly transferred power to Dick Cheney while the president had his colon examined. The good news: Nobody got shot, and all the doctors reported finding were some foreign policy ideas.
4. The big hurt
The radio taught us an important lesson these past two months: There’s paper-cut-on-the-eyeball pain and then there’s T-Pain.
5. Feeling green
It’s best not to make any assumptions about what environmental lesson Madonna is teaching in this photo from Live Earth.
6. Real genius
VH1 has a hit on its hands with “Scott Baio is 45 … and Single.” Look for “Judd Nelson Has No Idea What Happened to the Last 20 Years of His Life” next fall.
7. Outbreak
A new study suggests obesity is contagious, a good reminder to check the bacon double cheeseburger you’re eating for signs that a fat person might have coughed on it.
8. Long way down
I never thought I’d be able to dance like Beyonce, but I think I finally mastered the “swan dive down a staircase.”
9. Game, set, match
To: The Esteemed Quentin Tarantino. Subject: “Kill Bill” prequel casting idea.
10. Incomplete
Hard to look at all the Emmy nominations of “The Sopranos” and not think —
11. Highly skillet
IHOP announced plans to take over Applebee’s, instantly overtaking France as the world’s foremost supplier of burnt melted cheese.
12. Scientific pole
A judge sentenced Nicole Richie to four days in jail, but Richie seems like she’ll have an easier time blending in with her surroundings. Namely the prison bars.
13. The successor
CBS picked Drew Carey to assume hosting duties on “The Price Is Right” this fall. On the one hand, he’s not Rosie O’Donnell. On the other hand, he’s Rosie O’Donnell in drag.
14. Looking grim
Another story that captivated the nation involved Oscar, a cat that reportedly “predicted” the deaths of nursing home patients in Rhode Island. Now, there’s reason for skepticism — uh-oh. Oscar just curled up next to Lindsay Lohan’s career.
15. What luck
“Rush Hour 3” director Brett Ratner has been tapped to oversee a movie about Hugh Hefner’s life. Yeah, gee, tough gig.
16. Off limits
Apparently Michael Jackson moved to Maryland. Maryland, of course, is famous for its crabs, while Michael Jackson is — aaaand unfortunately the company lawyers are shaking their heads “no.”
17. Eureka
Canadian researchers have developed a computer program that cannot lose at checkers. Shortly after that they discovered why they don’t get asked out on dates.
18. Chip off the old block
Brandon Flowers, lead singer for The Killers, welcomed a baby girl earlier this month. The baby’s weight was not released, as it would’ve taken a while to calculate how much it weighed without eyeliner.
19. Locked up
Now that I look at it, No. 1 makes it sound like I was in prison. For the record, I was not in jail, but I will admit to watching 12 minutes of “CSI: Miami.”
20. Holy mid-life crisis
The people behind “The Dark Knight” unveiled the motorcycle that’s going to be featured in the next Batman movie. Now every superhero in his late 40s wants one.
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LEBERSOLE@TRIBUNE.COM
