Mike North of “The Mike North Morning Show” on The Score (670-AM) sits in on Wednesdays. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.Jimmy
Greenfield Phillip
Thompson Leo
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Mike North
Whizzer
TOPIC 1: RECOMMEND A HOME REMEDY FOR ALFONSO SORIANO.
Do what I do, and eat a pizza every day. My quads feel just fine.
Drink a mixture of raw eggs, Tabasco sauce and the tears of 100 Cubs fans.
Request an audience with Pope Lou.
Must pray to Jobu, hats for bats.
A little “hair of the dog” is in order. Here, have one of mine.
TOPIC 2: WHY DOES NIKOLAI BONDS SMILE SO MUCH MORE THAN HIS DAD?
His dad promised him Human Growth Hormone for his birthday.
It’s a side effect of the Clear … asil.
Barry forgot how to smile in 1992.
He gets all of Dad’s leftovers.
It’s the balance of the universe: good and bad, Yin and Yang, Hakuna and Matata …
TOPIC 3: WHAT WOULD MAKE ‘MY BOYS,’ A SITCOM ABOUT A CHICAGO SPORTSWRITER, MORE REALISTIC?
If the title actually referenced something completely different.
Missing eyebrows from face-to-face interviews with Ozzie Guillen and Lou Piniella.
A heart-wrenching finale in which the sportswriter doesn’t get to the media buffet table quick enough.
Must be a lot of drinking.
Not a single cameo by a goat or any other curse? That ain’t Chicago.
TOPIC 4: ESPN SETTLED ‘WHO’S NOW?’ WE ASK YOU: WHO’S NEVER?
Rex Grossman. Who’s Next?
Hall of Famer Ernie Nevers?
Mark Prior.
I have no clue what it is you’re saying.
Michael Vick.
TOPIC 5: WHAT’S A WORSE NICKNAME THAN BOOGER MCFARLAND?
Pukey McLunch.
TV host Dan “Gettin’ Jiggetts With It.”
Standout 1920s light heavyweight Syphilis McGee. OK, I may have made that up.
Pitcher Butt Crack Jones — his pants were always being eaten by the crack of his butt!
Darryl Strawberry “Shortcake.” You can blame Chris Berman for that one. Big surprise.
