Bag Boy, we’re glad you could fit us in to your weekend schedule–what with all your dates and everything. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
TOPIC 1: WHAT DOES REX GROSSMAN NEED TO DO THIS WEEKEND TO CALM NERVOUS BEARS FANS?
JIMMY: Abdicate.
LEO: Administer approximately 151,000 morphine injections.
SUPRIYA: Sit on the sidelines and give Brian Griese a nice backrub.
PHIL: If they’re that nervous in preseason, you may have to induce a coma during the playoffs.
BAG BOY: Not touch the ball ever again. For a start.
TOPIC 2: WHAT’S STOPPING THE BEARS FROM GETTING TO THE SUPER BOWL AGAIN THIS SEASON?
JIMMY: Getting there? Nothing. Winning? Thy name is Rex Grossman.
LEO: Nothing, Debbie Downer.
SUPRIYA: Nothing, if Rex stays on that sideline.
PHIL: A needless QB controversy. Put all three behind center–it’ll be like a shell game.
BAG BOY: Fans who don’t boo loudly enough. I’m only one man, folks, and not much at that.
TOPIC 3: WHAT DO THE WHITE SOX NEED TO DO TO GET BACK TO WORLD SERIES CALIBER?
JIMMY: Send Rex Grossman to Triple-A. Whoops, sorry. Reflex.
LEO: Petition Williamsport to get in as a Little League wildcard.
SUPRIYA: Find a miracle.
PHIL: Little League World Series?
BAG BOY: I’m glad you said “caliber,” because you’d have to hold every other team at gunpoint.
TOPIC 4: WHAT SHOULD THE WHITE SOX WIN IF THEY AVOID FINISHING LAST THIS SEASON?
JIMMY: A free, all-expenses paid trip to Kansas City.
LEO: Virtual reality helmets so that Ozzie and Buerhle can pretend they’re on the Mets.
SUPRIYA: Nothing. Losers don’t get prizes.
PHIL: Five minutes in a dark alley with any Five On Five panelist. (Psst, Jimmy bruises easily!)
BAG BOY: What do they want–a cookie? Fine, since it’s the Sox, make it an Oreo.
TOPIC 5: IT SEEMS EVERY CUBS PLAYER HAS A NICKNAME EXCEPT MARK DEROSA. GIVE HIM ONE.
JIMMY: McLovin
LEO: Mark “Of the Beast” DeRosa. This team needs a badass. Well, besides Piniella.
SUPRIYA: Mark “Smells like a rose” DeRosa
PHIL: Marky Mark and the Spunky Bunch.
BAG BOY: The Blooma Is Offa DeRosa. You know I stink at these things!
