Dear Amy: There have been numerous comments regarding the letter from “New Yorker,” a young woman wanting to move from her parents’ house to live with her boyfriend. General consensus has been that she should live on her own before moving in with her boyfriend.
I don’t get it. Help me understand how setting up house with someone without a legal commitment (marriage) is a good idea. How do these arrangements benefit young people in the long run?
Cohabiting couples acquire things together. They involve family members in their lives. They may produce children. If one partner dies, this turns into a legal disaster for the survivor. Legal entanglements can be just as bad or worse for those not married as they can be for people who divorce.
Breakups are hard. But it’s harder when you have to move someone out of your house, and what about children who have to live through these serial relationships?
It isn’t a moral issue with me. I say, have fun. Spend nights, weekends together, but have your own place to go home to. Keep your stuff separate until you’re ready to make a legal commitment.
I’ve been married for 38 years. We have two married children. Both cohabited with people they did not marry. These situations complicated everyone’s lives.
You seem to support this lifestyle. Help me understand how cohabitation is generally a good thing for individuals.
— Wondering
Dear Wondering: Though I don’t consider it a “lifestyle,” necessarily, I can certainly understand why committed couples with no children want to live together — I’ve done it myself, with no regrets, even though I strongly believe (along with many readers) that living on one’s own for a period of time as an adult is ideal.
Yes, breakups are hard. It’s painful to move and to separate from mutual friends and family. It’s heartbreaking to go through your books to see whose name is written on the title page. But this discomfort pales compared with the pain of going through a divorce.
I have read that cohabiting doesn’t statistically increase a couple’s chances of staying together if they choose to marry after living together. But if cohabiting can perhaps prevent a couple from marrying when they shouldn’t, then I think that’s a bullet dodged.
I completely agree with you that when there are children involved, cohabiting is a bad idea (unless both members of the cohabiting couple are also the parents of kids in the household).
Dear Amy: From a guy’s perspective, I believe that you are correct to recommend that young adults live on their own before cohabiting. When I was single, a friend going through a divorce told me I was doing the right thing to live solo. He commented, “I moved from my mom’s household to my wife’s and never had a chance to know what I wanted.”
Now my wife and I have two preschoolers. Our relationship is under stress, and we’re seeing a counselor. Without having lived alone, I’d be focused only on what she wants, which sometimes feels as if it’s what everyone else wants. My time alone reminds me of the person I am, and reinforces the father that I aspire to be.
— Lonely But Not Alone
Dear Not Alone: The period of having preschoolers at home is so stressful; it can test the strongest marriages. It’s a good thing that you draw strength from the experiences you had while living on your own.
Dear Amy: I read the letter from “Fleeting,” and it really hit me. He wondered what would happen if people discovered “embarrassing” possessions after his death. You see, I used to have those same thoughts.
I am a gay man approaching 50. I made my lover promise that if anything happened to me that he would erase my hard drive; throw away the magazines, etc.
I have come to understand that this is wrong. I am a good person, and I live a good life. I have no fear of my friends and family going through my things when I die. Those who love me will understand and cherish what I have left behind. I would even imagine they would have a good time rummaging through my possessions.
The only regret I will have is not being here to witness it. Live your life the way you want, and do not worry what others may think.
— Craig, in New Orleans
Dear Craig: Thank you for your response. I loved “Fleeting’s” provocative letter and will run a column of responses in the near future.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous columns are available at chicagotribune.com/amy.
