Mike North of “The Mike North Morning Show” on The Score (670-AM) sits in on Wednesdays. Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Scott Kleinberg
Phillip Thompson
Leo Ebersole
Tracy Swartz
Mike North
TOPIC 1: WHAT SHOULD BE BULLS ROOKIE JOAKIM NOAH’S GOAL THIS PRESEASON?
Just don’t ruffle Ben Wallace’s headband.
To live up to the legend of Dickey Simpkins, Marcus Fizer and other great power forwards.
To do the Soulja Boy after every blocked shot.
To further grow his molestache and jomance with me.
Quit thinking his Florida two-time champs could beat the Bulls.
TOPIC 2: THE BEARS PLAY THE VIKINGS NEXT. WHAT WOULD A REAL VIKING SAY ABOUT FOOTBALL?
“Oh, please. Everyone knows real sports are played in wooden boats.”
He would insist the Raiders be in the NFC Norse.
He’d say, “The prevent defense prevents defense.” He’d then go back to clubbing a wolf to death.
“Victory!” Let’s just hope the Bears have more hits than Johnny Drama.
He would see the team and want the name changed out of shame.
TOPIC 3: WHAT’S A-ROD’S NEXT MOVE?
Depends on whom he’s playing in checkers next July.
He’ll promise to honor his Yankees contract then be seen with some hot blond contract.
He finally succeeds in engineering a trade to “The View.”
Closer to a strip club so he can be named player of the week?
Become a Cub. Then we have another guy who won’t hit in the playoffs!
TOPIC 4: HOW WOULD YOU FIX A TENNIS MATCH?
With a whole lotta love. (Get it? Love? Best Five on Five answer ever. Again.)
Give your opponent a smaller racquet. Thanks for the inspiration, Scott and Leo.
Pour water on Roger Federer’s circuitboards.
Have Serena cover up her potato calves. Commence play.
Look for a tennis umpire by the name of Donaghy.
TOPIC 5: HOW CAN YOU TELL IF YOU’VE BOUGHT A PHONY TICKET?
On the top it reads: “Wrigley Field: Home of the 2007 World Series champs.”
When the scalper who sold it to you is yelling, “Who needs 2,382?!”
It reads: “Superbowl XXLII: Washington Redskins vs. (Anybody).”
If it’s for a Notre Dame bowl game.
When they tell you it’s phony and don’t let you in.
