1. Love hurts
Now that a judge finalized his divorce, Johnny Knoxville officially is back on the market. Keep an eye out for the personal ad “SWM seeks camera-ready female who can shoot him in the crotch with a paintball from 10 yards out.”
2. Ouch
Lindsay Lohan’s grandmother ran her car into a tree. Good news: She wasn’t badly hurt. Bad news: Now car wrecks and train wrecks run in the family.
3. Twins
New pictures from the G.I. Joe movie! Spoiler alert: Snake Eyes basically looks like Darth Vader without the cape and the constant need for approval.
4. Cha-ching!
To make the Miley Ray Cyrus wax figure more lifelike, sculptors added a vacuum that sucks the money out of nearby parents.
5. Anger management
A Virginia man went to the hospital after a snake found its way into his luggage and bit him after his flight landed. Today, officials raised the terror threat alert to “Samuel L. Jackson movie.”
6. Behold: Medusa!
Follow-up: Fire and rescue personnel killed the snake before it could return home, to Ann Coulter’s head.
7. Get on the floor
Elsewhere, a gun belonging to a US Airways pilot accidentally went off as his flight was about to land in Charlotte, N.C. Let me guess: “Semi-Pro” was the in-flight movie.
8. Meh
Also, if for some reason you need an extremely late, one-word review for “The Bank Job”: S’allright.
9. World news
People magazine reports that Paris Hilton threw a party for herself in South Africa over the weekend. Because, really now, if you can’t feel celebrated on every continent then what kind of Hilton are you?
