We don’t have any misbehaving boaters on Five on Five, but we do have a few dingys. Heyo! Sign up at redeyechicago.com/fiveonfive.
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
Brian Moore
Leo Ebersole
Scott Kleinberg
TOPIC 1: CEDRIC BENSON WAS PEPPER-SPRAYED AND CHARGED WITH BOATING WHILE INTOXICATED. COMMENTS?
What a waste of pepper spray. All they really needed to subdue him was an initial hit.
I knew it was only a matter of time before “Titanic” got a sequel.
If only he resisted being tackled as vigorously as being arrested, he might be an OK running back.
What was he doing, filming a redneck version of “Miami Vice”?
Trust me. It’s better if I don’t.
TOPIC 2: BENSON ALREADY IS ON SHAKY GROUND WITH THE BEARS. ACT LIKE HIS AGENT AND SPIN THIS.
“At least it didn’t involve a firearm.”
“At least my client didn’t lead authorities on a high-speed regatta.”
“Cedric might not be the back for you. But I represent another back, and he’s yours for $15M!”
“As long as none of the boat passengers were invited by the Vikings, I think we’re OK here.”
“Hey, he’s only on shaky ground because of that earthquake. That wasn’t his fault.”
TOPIC 3: YOU’RE BIG BROWN’S AGENT. FIND AN ENDORSEMENT DEAL FOR THE KENTUCKY DERBY WINNER.
“Chicago’s Streets and Sanitation: What can Big Brown do for you?”
Brown sugar. That’s right, ladies, he’s open for business …
Obama, meet your presidential mascot, Big Brown. If Hillary can endorse a horse, why not you? Febreze air freshener, the Big Brown-approved way to fight odor.
Horse around with fresh breath: New Big Brown-Red gum — a little chocolate, a little cinnamon …
TOPIC 4: WHO’S THE FRONTRUNNER FOR BULLS COACH AND WHY?
Big Brown. It takes a 2-year-old to lead 2-year-olds.
Larry Brown. I give him a week in Charlotte.
Avery Johnson, if only so we can hear his midget-like voice in postgame news conferences.
Avery Johnson has the first-round playoff loss experience essential to maintain continuity.
Cedric Benson. The guy can operate a boat; the Bulls are sinking. It’s a match!
TOPIC 5: HORNETS MASCOT SUPERHUGO’S FIRE STUNT CAUSED A 20-MINUTE DELAY. PICK HIS PUNISHMENT.
For a week he has to quit using his favorite pickup line: “Would you like to see my real head?”
An 8-hour lecture by Benny the Bull. No one’s a bigger advocate now of proper mascot behavior.
He has to spend a day boating with Cedric Benson.
He has to star in the next “Fantastic Four” movie. Flame out, er, on!
He’s benched for a special mascot appearance by Smokey the Bear.
