With the Cubs’ blowout loss and the White Sox’s blow-up dolls, it’s time for Chicago sports grump Bag Boy to convene an emergency session with Cubs Hand and Sox Hand. On the agenda: both teams’ recent troubles — on and off the field — after such promising starts. Let’s listen in …
(Bagboy) Well, it’s time to talk blow-ups. Lou Piniella on the North Side, some regular old party dolls on the South Side. I could go into more detail, but I don’t want to get arrested.
(CubsHand) Yes, that’s Cedric Benson’s territory anyway. My head’s still swimming from this 9-0 loss. Maybe Ozzie can spare some of his “doll” collection to help us out.
(Bagboy) By the way, the Sox are up to their old ways again — whining about how the Cubs get all the attention. Tell it to the dolls.
(CubsHand) I have to give credit, though. Who would have thought the Sox would have the good pitching when the Cubs were supposed to have an embarrassment of riches there? They got the “embarrassment” part right …
(SoxHand) We have good hands on the South Side. That much should be obvious.
(Bagboy) I think everyone should be embarrassed — anyone listen to Ozzie’s mouth lately? These are the chumps who are voting for Hillary Clinton, by the way — blue-collar potty mouths.
(CubsHand) They’re not even original. Can you say “Lee Elia,” Sox Hand?
(SoxHand) At least we have a manager who knows how to speak the language of our lovely city. Even Sweet Lou’s nickname is from the Flapper days.
(Bagboy) Let’s be honest: You get all these guys together, it ain’t exactly the Harvard Law Review. More like a truck stop in Merrillville, Ind.
(CubsHand) Boys, boys, settle down. We can bicker in the off-season. For now we have to figure out why both our teams are in a tailspin after starting off so well. Any ideas? (My first guess would be the inappropriate use of facial hair by various Sox players.)
(Bagboy) Yeah, the return of Alfonso Soriano, and the Sox forgetting who they are.
(SoxHand) Hey, the Cubs are flirting with no-hitters like our man Gavin Floyd. That is, a season of “no-hitting” from your $136 million leadoff man.
(Bagboy) For some reason, Lou likes him there. Lou needs to take his pills.
(CubsHand) Hardy har. And Nick Swisher is tearing up the joint? Less goofy machine-gun fingers in TV commercials, more movement on the basepaths, pal.
(SoxHand) No need to knock The Swish. He’s the best newcomer in this town — you can take your Fukudome and shove-it-dome.
(CubsHand) And Ozzie’s lucky-rabbit’s foot approach to managing is not helping the Sox at all. Maybe your guys should get in a bidding war with the Bulls for Mike D’Antoni.
(Bagboy) Too boring. No more bleeping this or bleeping that. What will the people who bleep things out do for work?
(SoxHand) We should all be so lucky to have such a leader of upstanding morale character and flawless judgment as Ozzie. Maybe he could win this Democratic nomination.
(Bagboy) Yeah, right. Only the Democrats could muck this up … they remind me of the Cubs.
(CubsHand) Enough of this, I have to go prepare myself for our inevitable pasting at the hands of the Arizona Diamondbacks this weekend. (I mean if we can’t handle Dusty Baker’s Reds …) Anyhoo, any last thoughts about these teams?
(SoxHand) By the time my Sox get back from their road trip West, the Cubs will be out of it. Even more so than they already are.
(Bagboy) Um, yeah, same as always around here.
