Baseball is red-hot in Chicago. The line for your reality check forms here. Go to redeyechicago.com/facebookfives to guest star here.
Leo Ebersole
Scott Kleinberg
Brian Moore
Jimmy Greenfield
Phillip Thompson
TOPIC 1: HAVING BOTH THE CUBS AND WHITE SOX IN FIRST PLACE IS LIKE …
… watching a hot girl make out with her brother — beautiful in spirit, uncomfortable in reality.
… the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine).
… having both the Cubs and White Sox in last place in September. Weird, but possible.
… totally awesome, dude.
… Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal both winning most eligible bachelor awards.
TOPIC 2: WHO IS MICAH HOFFPAUIR?
A man whose mother named him while beat-boxing with a mouthful of marbles.
A Norwegian log-rolling phenom.
According to my research, he really is Maria Chi Puff Oh.
Assistant to the regional
manager, Dunder Mifflin’s Scranton branch.
Like David Hasselhoff, he’s from the Hoff family of Western European celebrities.
TOPIC 3: WHAT IS THE SYBASE CLASSIC?
Evil Super Computer’s favorite adult chat room. That’s why he’s been missing lately, by the way.
When New Sybase didn’t work as a drink on Planet Alpha 17, the company went to Sybase Classic.
A meeting of Leo, Scott, Jimmy and Phil, where they brainstorm to answer these five questions.
A tournament sponsored by a company that makes a product I’ll never buy.
A pro-am golf tournament/mixer for Tiger Woods and other celebrity cyborgs.
TOPIC 4: CANDACE PARKER HAD THE MOST POINTS OF ANY WNBA DEBUT. WHERE DOES THAT FEAT RANK?
I refuse to keep trashing the WNBA. For at least three weeks.
Just above the paint I saw dry once and below banging my head against the wall after it dried.
Above the water-skiing squirrel but below Whizzer learning how to predict sports happenings.
Right between Braeside School kickball champ and Braeside School Krypto champ.
A much greater feat would be making these guys care about the WNBA. But give her time.
TOPIC 5: WHY DID MIKE TYSON GET AN OVATION AT CANNES?
The crowd looked at the face tattoos and thought he was Darth Maul.
Mostly because no one could believe he’d ever find the place.
He appeared in public and no lawsuits/fights/eating of children ensued.
He punched out the director of the “Sex and the City” movie.
He went against typecasting for once and “acted” like he had common sense.
