Five on Five welcomes “That Guy.” Look for him at a fraternity party, singles cruise or 4 a.m. bar near you. Or, if that’s not your cup of Red Bull, stalk any of these other cretins at redeyechicago.com/facebookfives.
TOPIC 1: WHAT ARE YOU MORE EXCITED ABOUT, THE NFL SEASON OR SEPTEMBER BASEBALL, AND WHY?
Brian Moore: There’s nothing like fall and the start of football, except maybe fall and the fall of the Cubs.
Tracy Swartz: Equally excited. NFL season means fantasy play, but so does September baseball in Chicago.
Leo Ebersole: Football. On the gridiron, at least, Washington’s hopes won’t flat-line until, say, mid-September.
Jimmy Greenfield: September baseball. To find out which Chicago team will clinch first.
“That Guy”: September baseball — I’m a sucker for crushing disappointment.
TOPIC 2: WHAT DOES THE RETURN OF ALFONSO SORIANO MEAN TO THE CUBS?
Brian Moore: About three more strikeouts per game.
Tracy Swartz: More oddities coming out of left field.
Leo Ebersole: More missed cutoff men than “Braveheart.”
Jimmy Greenfield: They get to start the countdown until his next injury.
“That Guy”: More pregame stretching and child-proof dugouts.
TOPIC 3: COMPLETE THIS SENTENCE: THE APPROACH OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON MAKES ME …
Brian Moore: … all tingly inside. Actually, that’s from the drinking I’ve been doing to prepare for the Cubs’ collapse.
Tracy Swartz: … want to Tim Tebow chicka bow wow.
Leo Ebersole: … hungry for greatness — and Mustard’s Last Stand. Go Cats!
Jimmy Greenfield: … ticked that college football scores get added to the ESPNews scroll.
“That Guy”: Proud to be a Penn Quaker! Or, umm, sad I didn’t go to Wisconsin.
TOPIC 4: ‘STEP BROTHERS’ LOOKS SUSPECT. PITCH A NEW SPORTS MOVIE TO WILL FERRELL.
Brian Moore: He needs to play a drunken golfer. Scratch that. That could be a reality series with John Daly.
Tracy Swartz: Pick something that doesn’t mention “equipment” often. Will’s not very brofessional.
Leo Ebersole: The tennis epic “Ball Boys.” Jimmy has a movie of the same name in his desk drawer.
Jimmy Greenfield: “Sweep!” A curling love story.
“That Guy”: You’re shirtless, no, naked, playing tennis, wait, no, racquetball … with Danny DeVito, no, Sinbad!
TOPIC 5: CARLOS QUENTIN IS THE SOX’S MVP SO FAR. WHAT’S THE MOST VALUABLE THING IN YOUR LIFE?
Brian Moore: I’d be a real jerk if I didn’t say my wife and kids. Although I really love my iPod.
Tracy Swartz: My framed picture of Jo Noah that I took [redacted for 5th Amendment reasons].
Leo Ebersole: Certainly not my Devin Hester rookie card.
Jimmy Greenfield: Jill, Casey, Eli, bourbon and hookers.
“That Guy”: My blue, button-down, striped shirt with the shiny, squiggly lines.
