G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA (PG-13)
(1 out of 4 stars)
Summer blockbuster season officially ends with the arrival of “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra,” another brainless popcorn picture built on an awful ’80s TV cartoon.
It’s a Bush-era movie built on a Reagan-era cartoon — all exotic hardware and can-do commandos, endless violence with barely a drop of blood — the illusion of “surgical” warfare reduced to a video game.
It’s dumb. It’s digital. It’s derivative. This “Joe,” scripted at a toy-selling TV-cartoon level, is a non-stop shoot-em-up edited to induce seizures. And if George Lucas doesn’t sue over the blatant “Star Wars” rip-off finale, he’s missing easy money.
Stone-faced dancer-boxer-tough-guy Channing Tatum stars as Duke, a soldier who loses a set of valuable missile warheads. An elite team headed by Gen. Hawk (Dennis Quaid) saves the nanomite (metal-eating micro-robots) bombs, and Duke and his pal Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) are impressed.
“When all else fails, we don’t,” Gen. Hawk growls.
It’s no dumber or emptier than “Transformers,” but “G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra” can’t help but make one cringe when the bad guy says, as bad guys in bad scripts always say, “This has only just begun.”
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WORTH WATCHING?
Matt’s picks for what’s also in theaters
Fast-Paised by Matt Pais
THE COVE (PG-13)
Great, chilling documentary.
(3.5 out of 4 stars)
ADAM (PG-13)
Thankfully, it doesn’t condescend.
(3 out of 4 stars)
PAPER HEART (PG-13)
Sweet and kind of frustrating.
(3 out of 4 stars)
A PERFECT GETAWAY (R)
Not bad for what it is.
(2.5 out of 4 stars)
FUNNY PEOPLE (R)
Even Apatow isn’t perfect.
(2.5 out of 4 stars)
JULIE AND JULIA (PG-13)
Streep is great. Movie is boring.
(2 out of 4 stars)
